Even a Blind Squirrel Finds an Acorn Occasionally
As a kid, I played for the football team when I was in middle school. My father was very proud. Hell even my grandfather came all the way from Lexington, KY to watch a few of my games. I played on the offensive line when I started out in 7th grade. I was just one of the guys with my knuckles in the dirt and ass in the air, ready to pounce on anyone who tried to get across the line of scrimmage. I wasn't really big either. I was about 5'7" and maybe 155 lbs. I was a short, fat, pre-pubescent, pain-fearing kid!

And I was scared!

On our team, we had a linebacker (linebackers are defensive players) named Justin. Our coach (an ex-Florida State University football player, who we all just called "Coach Joe") had nicknamed this kid Justin "The Jackal". He was a bigger guy, slow but strong. And definitely bigger than me. He would routinely run offensive players over to get to the quarterback and Coach Joe really doted on this guy. Cut to little ole' me, squatting on the line and generally doing nothing at all noteworthy that made me stand out. I was no threat to anyone during practice.

So one day, I took the line in practice against a defender who was actually about my size. I was always used to being matched against bigger guys who could mow me down. Me and this kid locked up and gritted teeth pretty good. I never got past him, and he never got around me all afternoon. After awhile I got the crazy idea in my head that I should use this to my advantage and maybe make a statement. So I started looking for opportunities to make a big play (which is difficult as an offensive lineman). It occured to me that The Jackal never paid me any attention because he knew I was always too afraid to try to take him on during play. So on the next play, I planted the kid defending me, broke the line and charged The Jackal...

And he went down hard. Never knew what hit him! It was a big play! A HUGE play! Hell the offense gained over 40 yards on that run because I took out the key defender!

Coach Joe nearly had a heart attack. And from that day on, I was "The Neutralizer".

Of course, after that I never saw daylight again. Now that the rest of the team had realized I was actually a threat after all, I was targeted and planted in the dirt as much as possible.

Oh and then Coach Joe tried me at Tailback (an offensive position that generally runs the ball) to try and make use of my new "drive".

He may as well have painted a bright red target on my jersey!

I left the team freshman year with minor knee injuries!

I'm such a genius!

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 2:16:00 PM |

 
Read Me!
I already posted once today! This is just a shameless promotional plug for Annette's blog, which, sadly, has gone rather unnoticed by most of my readers! You'll find her link to the right labeled "Enter Annie". Or just click here!

She's funny! Give her a read! I hate to see blogs with very few comments left! Where's the love?!?!



CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 6:17:00 PM |

 
Of Course You Know, This Means War!


I had to start this post off with a bit of humor...because things are going to get ugly on this go-round!

Some of you may remember my very first post (way back when I was knee-high to a grasshopper as bloggers go!). I introduced the fact that my neighbor in the apartment below me doesn't like me. The guy is vindictive like you wouldn't believe! But he's quiet about his revenge.

Storytime...

Within the first week or two of moving in to my apartment, I had 6 or 7 friends over and we got nice and inebriated (yes I threw up, stop interrupting!). Well at about 2:30 AM, our dear friend Ike decided to pass out in my hugemongous closet but, much to our dismay, he did not fall asleep. Instead, we found him 15 minutes later kicking his feet and pounding on the floor of my closet and laughing hysterically like a child! The fact that I was creeped out by this maniacal behavior notwithstanding, I quickly dragged him out of the closet and set him straight.

Anyway, needless to say, my asshole neighbor (Marc) has been a total schmuck ever since! No confrontation. No words. When we see each other he acts like everything is peachy. But under cover of solitude, he is prone to slamming doors (specifically the hallway door that is sometimes left open, which has nothing to do with his apartment as he is on the lower floor!) and here lately he's gotten bad enough that he thumps on walls for no apparent reason, turns his music up late at night and ironically my hot water now lasts for a mere 6 or 7 minutes when I take showers (which I assume he listens for now).

How much of a waste of space must one be to sit around all day just waiting for their victim to take a shower so they can hurry and turn on the hot water in their sinks and shower and then flush their toilet incessantly while staring at the ceiling fanatasizing about their victim's plight?

If anyone is particularly well-versed in vindication, I'm taking suggestions for revenge!

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 10:17:00 AM |

 
I Have Fans!
I can't help that I am extremely amused by gay bloggers! There are a buttload whole lot (oh god a pun like that right now just cannot be allowed!!!) of them out there and almost all of them are clever and witty!

And clearly they have great taste too! If blog posts like Mark's or Charlie's keep popping up, I may no longer be able to fit my big head through doorways!

Wait...is it ok to say "big head" when you're talking about gay men?

...Shit!

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 4:02:00 PM |

 
For Annette
I'm sitting in my office, reading Annette's blog...and suddenly I burst out laughing as I read "did you know that today is National Steak and a Blowjob Day?".

Really, you just have to know Annette or else I guarantee coffee won't come shooting out your nose as you read most of her stuff.

Then again I could be wrong..."Have you ever called a porn hotline?" "No, you loser!"

Anywho, so I'm copying a "trivia" questionnaire from her blog (no copyright infringements here!) in her honor! Answers replaced with my own, of course.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Jon
2. Nooch
3. Hey you!

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. VUSandman7788
2. Cool_Like_Ginger_Ale
3. Thndrchikn2000

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My tolerance for alcohol
2. The way I use my job to help others
3. My sense of style

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. The fact that shaving almost ALWAYS causes me to break out!
2. My gray hair (slowly but surely)
3. My unpredictable temper

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. German
2. English
3. Pennsylvania Dutch

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Razor blades
2. Needles
3. Marriage

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Ibuprofen
2. My Nextel
3. Water

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Glasses
2. Necktie
3. My Nextel

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE ARTISTS:
1. Collective Soul
2. Extreme
3. Vertical Horizon

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. "The Reason" - Hoobastank
2. "Mission Responsible" - Michael Tolcher
3. "Somewhere Only We Know" - Keane

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. A Texas Hold 'Em tournament
2. Travelling
3. Riding an ATV

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Trust
2. Understanding
3. To feel desired in every aspect

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. I get my hair cut once a week
2. I have never crashed a motorcycle
3. I have never been fired from a job

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. I'm an "ass-man"
2. Lips
3. Legs

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Play the drums
2. Go one day without having some sort of conflict
3. Cartwheels

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Riding motorcycles
2. Playing Texas Hold 'Em Poker
3. Playing the guitar

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Go home
2. Sell my truck
3. Buy a new motorcycle

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Investigations
2. Property Management
3. Selling Penis Enlargment pills on Ebay

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Ireland
2. Las Vegas
3. Hawaii

[DELETED FOR BEING LAME]

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Get married
2. Have kids
3. Find my definition of happiness

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 2:39:00 PM |

 
Adults?
A conversation that took place between myself and my best friend earlier today:

Yason: Are you gonna be at home in like an hour?
Nooch: Yeah I should be...why?
Yason: Cuz I'm broke and pissed off and I'm just gonna get drunk.
Nooch: So you're gonna come over in like an hour and start getting trashed this early?
Yason: (laughing) Yep!
Nooch: Um...ok. Ya know, one of these days, we're gonna have to start dealing with our issues rather than drowning them in a river of Miller!
Yason: Oh yeah I know...but not today!

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 2:35:00 PM |

 
Motivational Issues continued...
I have found lately that I just cannot seem to motivate myself to get back into my old workout/healthy eating routine. I have the best intentions but something always gets in the way and I backslide again! I sometimes blame it on the idea that I have no one to workout or go jogging with. But I'm just getting really good at making excuses which isn't doing me any favors either!

On the up side, I found a new motivational chart for calculating calorie expenditure in one of my favorite exercises!

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement - 12 cal
Without her agreement - 187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands - 8 cal
With one hand - 12 cal
With one hand being slapped - 37 cal
With the mouth - 85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection - 6 cal
Without erection - 315 cal

PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris - 8 cal
Trying to find G spot - 92 cal
Without caring at all - 0 cal

WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up - 12 cal
Just on the floor - 8 cal

POSITIONS
Missionary - 12 cal
Doggy-style - 72 cal
69 laying - 8 cal
69 standing up - 112 cal
Trolley - 216 cal
Italian chandelier - 912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM
Real - 112 cal
Fake - 315 cal

POST ORGASM
Staying in bed - 8 cal
Jumping out of bed - 36 cal
Explaining why you jumped out of bed - 816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age - 12 cal
from 20 to 29 - 36 cal
from 30 to 39 - 108 cal
from 40 to 49 - 324 cal
from 50 to 59 - 972 cal
over 60 - 2916 cal

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly - 32 cal
Being in a hurry to leave - 98 cal
With her husband/boyfriend opening the door - 218 cal

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 1:35:00 PM |

 
A new websizzle fo' shizzle!
It seems my last post didn't go over like I hoped. Pity.



If you like that comic, go here RIGHT NOW!

I don't have much time to blog right off hand. But I'm trying not to get into the swing of going more than a week without posting. Then again, Charlie says it's probably good not to blog too much!

Thankfully, I'm only addicted to semi-circular objects and looking at my watch!

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 3:29:00 PM |