The Outlawed Mind

Reborn

2006-10-30T17:43:00.000-05:00

This should be interesting. Now that I have a handle on "normal life" again, I'm considering a comeback tour here. Sadly, I don't remember jack about HTML formatting and codes, or more importantly, how I got exposure in the past with my blogging (or how to reconnect with old blogging friends).

Time will tell!

CHEERS!

New Rollercoasters

2005-07-12T11:22:00.000-05:00

So if it's not one thing, it's another!

I can't fathom life being more interesting (good and bad) than it has been in the past few weeks for me. I'm just going to set autopilot on "expect the unexpected" and then go take a break for a few.

I've been so busy here lately, I forgot I haven't had much time to spend any money. I was happily surprised to see the huge wad of cash that's collecting dust in my bank account! Now...what to blow it on! Although, I never have been too big on spending money. Anybody need a loan? Lol!

So here's a new one for me at work. I got a call a few days ago informing me that some "indiscreet" photos of one of my employees have been going around the facility where she works! Oddly, no one actually complained about it, per se. They were just "letting me know"! Upon further investigation, it appears that said employee previously worked in the adult industry! My officers shock me sometimes!

Now on to my latest challenge. I have a good friend who is currently fighting in Iraq at the moment and I call to check on the wife and kids occasionally. Well wifey thinks very highly of me and apparently I am not allowed to be single in her opinion. So I was duped into coming over to the house and she had her friend Casey over for no real reason *wink, wink*. This girl is not the type I historically meet. She's a Stanford Pre-med graduate. Going into IU medical in August to start grad school. Her area of focus: Neurology! So, in short, a brain surgeon! Attractive, a little shy, one of the best conversationalists I've ever met...

So how do I tell her I'm not looking for a relationship?

And who wants to shoot me for possibly blowing the chance to marry a brain surgeon and retire at 30!?!?

CHEERS!

Mental Murder

2005-06-27T11:32:00.000-05:00

Sorry guys. Work has been KILLING me lately! I'm short-handed by 2 and I have a new account starting July 1st that I've been trying to transition for 3 weeks now! Just a few more days!

Enough about that crap!

It's amazing how I can take almost 4 weeks off from blogging and not only still have a following, but still attract more interested readers upon my return! I got an email from a mystery woman named Sara (it's important to note that it is spelled without an "h") about me and my blog! I was elated!

Huzzah!!

No more screenshots from World of Warcraft lately. I've been too busy working, and when I am playing the game, I die alot. Nothing spectacular about it either! Oh and Myke, you should definitely get WoW and not that "other game"! And WHEN you do get it, make sure you start in the Shadowsong realm (you'll understand that later)! It'd be cool to play with a friend from the blogging community! I shall challenge you to a duel and then blog of your demise!

After a threat like that, you know you can't turn it down!

CHEERS!

Poof! I'm back!

2005-06-20T09:40:00.000-05:00

Ok so I've taken an unacceptably long vacation from blogging...

As I said before, I just realized that my life had become an unchanging routine which left me nothing to blog about whatsoever. But I have broken free of certain chains and I'm getting a slightly new start again.

Cutting the ribbon...

OK! So I've realized that unfortunately certain things in my life that I may discuss here may have a less than desired effect on certain other people. So I'll apologize ahead of time for any drama or childishness that may arise here. I'll be quick to delete anything that makes it stuffy in here. I'm so unbelievably tired of the bull$hit!

Speaking of which, I'd just like to mention what a gigantic geek I've become lately. My friend Ben managed to introduce me to World of Warcraft last week. An introduction developed into interest, interest led to pursuance and pursuance has now led to just-stick-a-needle-in-my-arm-and-gimme-a-mainline addiction!!! I could drone on and on about the game and the altered reality it can inspire! But I doubt any of you are as practiced in the arts of geekdom as I (been working on it for years!), so I'll spare you...for now!

Although I did learn how to take screenshots so I'll post up this one that I took yesterday. Somehow I managed to get a small handful of women into a bar, bought a few rounds and before you know it everyone is dancing half naked on tabletops and the bar!

Clearly this game is extremely imaginary! I mean, not only can you make your characters dance all slutty in this game, but I'm actually a pimp (as is illustrated in the screenshot below)!

CHEERS!

The Return of the Outlaw...

2005-05-26T11:16:00.000-05:00

Yeah so I was hibernating for awhile. I caught the dreaded "lost interest" bug! I realized for awhile that my whole life basically consisted of my relationship, and work. There was never anything new to blog about and I wasn't even entertained anymore! But I've decided to make a comeback! So for the few readers who may still be hanging around...don't pay the ransom, I escaped! And I'm back and cookin' with gas!

Ok, so I'm a little rowdy today! It's been a long month! I was sick...she was sick...I was off work forever...I spent forever catching up on my lost time...things were going wrong at work...can you hear that sad violin playing in the background?!?!

Hehe!

Anywho, I'm off to research snowblowers. Apparently my sister thinks that a snowblower makes the perfect Father's Day gift! Figures!

CHEERS!

It's That Time Again...

2005-05-03T15:24:00.000-05:00

AHHH! The Canadians are invading!!!

Actually, this picture pretty much shows that it's that time of the year again when my seasonal allergies go apeshit for awhile! Sunday night, it hit me like a ton of bricks! Dry, sore throat and sinuses...stuffy head...aching all over! They say the flu is going around, but my symptoms change so quickly, I don't have a clue what is wrong!

Which actually brings me to another point. Apparently men are the worst sickies in the whole world. We (for the most part) absolutely refuse to go to the doctor, and then we sit around and bitch about how sick we are, yet we do nothing about it. Well at least nothing CONSTRUCTIVE! I, on the other hand, intend to put my illness to good use (it's all about the sick days, after all!) But seriously, what's the point in wasting a $30-$40 co-pay at the doc's office when all he/she is going to do is prod you a bit and then prescribe some antibiotics; the same antibiotics that the doc used to prescribe for colds when you were 4 years old to which you have inevitably built up a substantial immunity over the past two decades. So, in essence, you have spent $30-$40 to shave MAYBE one extra day off your recovery time...when you could have spent $4.99 on one more box of DayQuil instead!

Anyway, wish me a speedy recovery! A voice clip would be cool right about now, as I sound quite a bit like Ned (the voice box guy) from South Park!

CHEERS!

The Venessa Meme

2005-05-02T12:29:00.000-05:00

Apparently I have been "tagged" to answer a handful of meme questions from a list provided by the lovely Venessa.

So here we go...

1. "If I could be an inn-keeper..."
A. Dude, I'd be pimpin' that $hit out! I'd be runnin' hotel parties day and night, givin' the neighborhood kids a glorious window of opportunity to drink, do drugs and experiment sexually! Just doin' my part in the corruption of society's youth!

...actually, I'd rather be an inn-keeper back in the medieval age. Inn-keepers back then were uber-cool!

2. "If I could be a scientist..."
A. I'd create a pill that would allow everyone to eat as much junk as they wanted and be as sedentary as they pleased and still be slim and sexy! No more exercise and rabbit food!

3. "If I could be a farmer..."
A. Oh, you know I'd be screwing with genetic splicing and crap! Come to think of it, I'd create the first real-life jackalope!

4. "If I could be a missionary..."
A. I'd fly my happy ass over to Afghanistan and hand-select a small team of soldiers, trackers and marksmen and I'd find Bin Laden my damn self!!!

...oh wait, that's a "mercenary"! I always confuse those two!

5. "If I could be a linguist..."
A. I'd develop a language where humans could converse with animals! Although I'm not sure if all pet owners are really prepared for what their pets may have to say!

And just for good measure, I took the Nerd Test too!

CHEERS!

Chain Letters, Shmane Letters!

2005-04-29T14:08:00.000-05:00

I want to thank all of those lovely people who have taken the time and trouble to send me their chain letters over the past year. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern... I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. (Sorry guys!)

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you all, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Clearly mine is a life truly blessed thanks to the advent of electronic mail!

CHEERS!

My Father, the Original Groovemaster!

2005-04-27T11:43:00.000-05:00

Today is my father's 56th birthday. I dunno if that's a big number or not though. He's got a lot of numbers attached to him. 15 = the number of years he spent in the U.S. Army. 17 = the number of years he's been nicotine-free. 4 = the number of heart attacks he has survived. 2 = the number of times he's been married (and divorced). He's had a colorful life, that's for sure. Plenty of ups and downs, positives and negatives, regrets and memories. I'll be doing real well if I'm ever even half the man he is someday.

Anywho, so we (meaning my sisters and I) planned to take the man to Carraba's last Saturday night to celebrate. (Sidenote: The food was great but the Sangria was less than impressive!)

I just noticed that I use parantheses ALOT when I blog! Hmmm...

Let's clear two things up real quick:
1. One of my sisters lives in Denver and we flew her out for the weekend unbeknownst to my unsuspecting father.
2. My old man NEVER gives big reactions when he's surprised. Similarly, I don't think he can even be startled, come to think of it.

So sister number 1 arrives, sister number 2 picks her up at the airport, both sisters meet brother at predetermined location, and oblivious father walks in and "SURPRISE!!!!"

And his reaction is a rather non-chalant "heeeyyyy!!!" (obligatory grin included). But no one is disappointed because, that's pretty much the best reaction you could hope for. However, at dinner later, I make a point of his lack of enthusiasm. SO right there in the middle of the restaurant, he gets up and goes "did you expect to see something like THIS?"

Please refer to the visual aid below to complete the mental image! (keep in mind, he is even more lacking in rhythm and refinement than he is in enthusiasm!)

Click Here (Not dial-up friendly...about 8.5MB)

CHEERS!

Diamonds Are a Guy's Best Friend

2005-04-25T14:37:00.000-05:00

The fact that I find these amusing probably doesn't say much for my character!

CHEERS!

I Need a Meme...

2005-04-24T11:38:00.000-05:00

I am such a disappointment. Nine f*cking days without blogging! Creative inspiration has been lost on me. I've tried to find a meme or two to toss around until I get back on my own two feet, but no such luck!

Anywho, so if you read Deanndra's blog, you'll note that I had a brush with death recently.

Without going into massive detail, I choked on food for the first time in 23 years!

...on a Lemonhead, no less!

I'm driving down I-74 to Cincinnati, minding my own business. One would think that to look at the innocent little face on the package, how could it ever be harmful!?!?

Until you accidentally suck one down your windpipe, effectively restricting all inward and outward airflow to your lungs creating massive internal panic which causes you to immediately dart across two lanes of interstate traffic, slam on the brakes on the shoulder and miraculously dislodge the culprit candy while giving yourself the heimlich...(actually I was trying to put my head between my legs and kiss my ass goodbye but apparently it's one of those "6 of one, half-dozen of the other" situations!)

Anyway, sour candy in your throat doesn't feel too good, but it's a great excuse to stop for ice cream!

In other news, Venessa thinks that my story about toasted marshmallows is blogworthy. Once upon a time, I was about 8 years old and I ate about 2 bags of full-size marshmallows (toasted over a campfire, of course) all in one sitting. Then I ended up getting sick and (to borrow a term from Deanndra) managed to extinguish the fire with my projectile vomit!

I don't eat toasted marshmallows anymore.

It's odd how a bad experience with food can ruin it for you forever. Like tomatoes or toasted marshmallows in my case.

...and Lemonheads!

CHEERS!

I am Google...hear me roar!

2005-04-15T12:23:00.000-05:00

Which Website are You?

Stole this from

I am such a blog thief! Watch out, I may be stalking YOU next! (Although some of you wouldn't complain too much if that were the case!)

CHEERS!

20,000 comedians out of work, and here comes the Outlaw...

2005-04-10T16:03:00.000-05:00

Again, how can you people not find Annette funny?

A convo from earlier this week...

Outlaw: Um...does canned asparagus make canned tomato puree explode if you put the two together? Like do they not play nice or something?
Annie: How the hell should I know? I can't do regular math in this state, let alone vegetable math!
Outlaw: I don't think it's a matter of math.
Annie: Tomato crap + asparagus crap = explosino?
Annie: See? Math!
Annie: Explosino? LMAO...I can speak Spanish when I'm drunk!
Outlaw: I think it's something more like the conceptualization of putting an elizabethan collar on a dog to keep him/her from licking his/her stitches!
Annie: Well I'm not that flexible... nor do I get your analogy there.
Outlaw: It is possible that I make less sense when I'm sober than you do when you're drunk!
Annie: That sentence required some brain power for me to interpret.
Annie: Oooohhhh, and last night I was drinking (again) and using words like "copious"!
Annie: LOL
Annie: Clearly, drinking makes me smart!
Outlaw: In point of fact, I'm rather impressed that you have even made it this long without a typo!
Annie: Lol!
Outlaw: You little dipsomaniac!
Outlaw: ...there's another word to add to your drunken smart list! It means "alcoholic".
Annie: Nice!
Annie: Well goodnight then, dipsomaniac!
Outlaw: ...although "lush" works too (if you wanna be uninteresting about it)!

If you notice, this conversation was initially sparked by a post on Dan's blog.

I'm so easily amused, it's pathetic!

CHEERS!

Another Redesign

2005-04-07T10:59:00.000-05:00

This one took awhile!

I've changed my blog links section in my sidebar. Everyone now has there very own button, courtesy of this site which I stole from this guy!

If you have any complaints about your button's color, then go make your own and if you want to go through the hassle of emailing it to me, I might get around to changing it. I tried to match the color of the button with the color of the blog it links to.

In other news, it has been brought to my attention that I have apparently been officially tagged as a gay man now on another blog.

It was bound to happen sooner or later! What's that saying about when you lay with the wolves or something? Hehe!

CHEERS!

The Viagra Experience, Part I

2005-04-06T15:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I don't intend to elaborate, but let's just say that I happened to acquire some sample packs of Viagra and Cialis recently. I am not afflicted with erectile dysfunction. But I wonder (as apparently many non-afflicted men do) what would happen if I take this medication without actually NEEDING it?

I did a little research and came across this little gem illustrated by a man named John Hargrave. (Be sure to at least read page 5 if nothing else!)

Simply masterful!

I think I'm going to try my own experiment with this little wonder drug!

Some background info on me:
- I am a quite healthy 23 year old.
- I have a very healthy sex drive
- I have no issues achieving an erection (this includes post-refractory erections)
- I have NOT been diagnosed with any erectile disorders, nor have I been prescribed this drug.

It seems to me that most of the limited accounts I have heard about experiments of this nature turn up various results. I've heard that it just makes you really warm. I've heard that it makes you all but priapismic. I've heard that it intensifies orgasms. And, of course, the results from Mr. Hargrave's "prank".

So, in the name of science, I go forth to become my own lab rat!

To be continued...

CHEERS!

Moment of Silence...

2005-04-05T09:52:00.000-05:00

I've been somewhat distraught lately. My favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg, passed away last week. I never got to see any of his shows. And this of course will mean that no further CDs will be released!

MTV News

Mitch Hedberg's Official Site

I'm not very motivated to post much today, but I'll get off my a$$ soon!

CHEERS!

Even a Blind Squirrel Finds an Acorn Occasionally

2005-03-28T14:16:00.000-05:00

As a kid, I played for the football team when I was in middle school. My father was very proud. Hell even my grandfather came all the way from Lexington, KY to watch a few of my games. I played on the offensive line when I started out in 7th grade. I was just one of the guys with my knuckles in the dirt and ass in the air, ready to pounce on anyone who tried to get across the line of scrimmage. I wasn't really big either. I was about 5'7" and maybe 155 lbs. I was a short, fat, pre-pubescent, pain-fearing kid!

And I was scared!

On our team, we had a linebacker (linebackers are defensive players) named Justin. Our coach (an ex-Florida State University football player, who we all just called "Coach Joe") had nicknamed this kid Justin "The Jackal". He was a bigger guy, slow but strong. And definitely bigger than me. He would routinely run offensive players over to get to the quarterback and Coach Joe really doted on this guy. Cut to little ole' me, squatting on the line and generally doing nothing at all noteworthy that made me stand out. I was no threat to anyone during practice.

So one day, I took the line in practice against a defender who was actually about my size. I was always used to being matched against bigger guys who could mow me down. Me and this kid locked up and gritted teeth pretty good. I never got past him, and he never got around me all afternoon. After awhile I got the crazy idea in my head that I should use this to my advantage and maybe make a statement. So I started looking for opportunities to make a big play (which is difficult as an offensive lineman). It occured to me that The Jackal never paid me any attention because he knew I was always too afraid to try to take him on during play. So on the next play, I planted the kid defending me, broke the line and charged The Jackal...

And he went down hard. Never knew what hit him! It was a big play! A HUGE play! Hell the offense gained over 40 yards on that run because I took out the key defender!

Coach Joe nearly had a heart attack. And from that day on, I was "The Neutralizer".

Of course, after that I never saw daylight again. Now that the rest of the team had realized I was actually a threat after all, I was targeted and planted in the dirt as much as possible.

Oh and then Coach Joe tried me at Tailback (an offensive position that generally runs the ball) to try and make use of my new "drive".

He may as well have painted a bright red target on my jersey!

I left the team freshman year with minor knee injuries!

I'm such a genius!

CHEERS!

Read Me!

2005-03-24T18:17:00.000-05:00

I already posted once today! This is just a shameless promotional plug for Annette's blog, which, sadly, has gone rather unnoticed by most of my readers! You'll find her link to the right labeled "Enter Annie". Or just click here!

She's funny! Give her a read! I hate to see blogs with very few comments left! Where's the love?!?!

CHEERS!

Of Course You Know, This Means War!

2005-03-24T10:17:00.000-05:00

I had to start this post off with a bit of humor...because things are going to get ugly on this go-round!

Some of you may remember my very first post (way back when I was knee-high to a grasshopper as bloggers go!). I introduced the fact that my neighbor in the apartment below me doesn't like me. The guy is vindictive like you wouldn't believe! But he's quiet about his revenge.

Storytime...

Within the first week or two of moving in to my apartment, I had 6 or 7 friends over and we got nice and inebriated (yes I threw up, stop interrupting!). Well at about 2:30 AM, our dear friend Ike decided to pass out in my hugemongous closet but, much to our dismay, he did not fall asleep. Instead, we found him 15 minutes later kicking his feet and pounding on the floor of my closet and laughing hysterically like a child! The fact that I was creeped out by this maniacal behavior notwithstanding, I quickly dragged him out of the closet and set him straight.

Anyway, needless to say, my asshole neighbor (Marc) has been a total schmuck ever since! No confrontation. No words. When we see each other he acts like everything is peachy. But under cover of solitude, he is prone to slamming doors (specifically the hallway door that is sometimes left open, which has nothing to do with his apartment as he is on the lower floor!) and here lately he's gotten bad enough that he thumps on walls for no apparent reason, turns his music up late at night and ironically my hot water now lasts for a mere 6 or 7 minutes when I take showers (which I assume he listens for now).

How much of a waste of space must one be to sit around all day just waiting for their victim to take a shower so they can hurry and turn on the hot water in their sinks and shower and then flush their toilet incessantly while staring at the ceiling fanatasizing about their victim's plight?

If anyone is particularly well-versed in vindication, I'm taking suggestions for revenge!

CHEERS!

I Have Fans!

2005-03-22T16:02:00.000-05:00

I can't help that I am extremely amused by gay bloggers! There are a ~~buttload~~ whole lot (oh god a pun like that right now just cannot be allowed!!!) of them out there and almost all of them are clever and witty!

And clearly they have great taste too! If blog posts like Mark's or Charlie's keep popping up, I may no longer be able to fit my big head through doorways!

Wait...is it ok to say "big head" when you're talking about gay men?

...Shit!

CHEERS!

For Annette

2005-03-16T14:39:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in my office, reading Annette's blog...and suddenly I burst out laughing as I read "did you know that today is National Steak and a Blowjob Day?".

Really, you just have to know Annette or else I guarantee coffee won't come shooting out your nose as you read most of her stuff.

Then again I could be wrong..."Have you ever called a porn hotline?" "No, you loser!"

Anywho, so I'm copying a "trivia" questionnaire from her blog (no copyright infringements here!) in her honor! Answers replaced with my own, of course.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Jon
2. Nooch
3. Hey you!

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. VUSandman7788
2. Cool_Like_Ginger_Ale
3. Thndrchikn2000

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My tolerance for alcohol
2. The way I use my job to help others
3. My sense of style

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. The fact that shaving almost ALWAYS causes me to break out!
2. My gray hair (slowly but surely)
3. My unpredictable temper

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. German
2. English
3. Pennsylvania Dutch

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Razor blades
2. Needles
3. Marriage

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Ibuprofen
2. My Nextel
3. Water

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Glasses
2. Necktie
3. My Nextel

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE ARTISTS:
1. Collective Soul
2. Extreme
3. Vertical Horizon

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. "The Reason" - Hoobastank
2. "Mission Responsible" - Michael Tolcher
3. "Somewhere Only We Know" - Keane

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. A Texas Hold 'Em tournament
2. Travelling
3. Riding an ATV

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Trust
2. Understanding
3. To feel desired in every aspect

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. I get my hair cut once a week
2. I have never crashed a motorcycle
3. I have never been fired from a job

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. I'm an "ass-man"
2. Lips
3. Legs

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Play the drums
2. Go one day without having some sort of conflict
3. Cartwheels

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Riding motorcycles
2. Playing Texas Hold 'Em Poker
3. Playing the guitar

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Go home
2. Sell my truck
3. Buy a new motorcycle

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Investigations
2. Property Management
3. Selling Penis Enlargment pills on Ebay

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Ireland
2. Las Vegas
3. Hawaii

[DELETED FOR BEING LAME]

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Get married
2. Have kids
3. Find my definition of happiness

CHEERS!

Adults?

2005-03-11T14:35:00.000-05:00

A conversation that took place between myself and my best friend earlier today:

Yason: Are you gonna be at home in like an hour?
Nooch: Yeah I should be...why?
Yason: Cuz I'm broke and pissed off and I'm just gonna get drunk.
Nooch: So you're gonna come over in like an hour and start getting trashed this early?
Yason: (laughing) Yep!
Nooch: Um...ok. Ya know, one of these days, we're gonna have to start dealing with our issues rather than drowning them in a river of Miller!
Yason: Oh yeah I know...but not today!

CHEERS!

Motivational Issues continued...

2005-03-09T13:35:00.000-05:00

I have found lately that I just cannot seem to motivate myself to get back into my old workout/healthy eating routine. I have the best intentions but something always gets in the way and I backslide again! I sometimes blame it on the idea that I have no one to workout or go jogging with. But I'm just getting really good at making excuses which isn't doing me any favors either!

On the up side, I found a new motivational chart for calculating calorie expenditure in one of my favorite exercises!

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement - 12 cal
Without her agreement - 187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands - 8 cal
With one hand - 12 cal
With one hand being slapped - 37 cal
With the mouth - 85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection - 6 cal
Without erection - 315 cal

PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris - 8 cal
Trying to find G spot - 92 cal
Without caring at all - 0 cal

WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up - 12 cal
Just on the floor - 8 cal

POSITIONS
Missionary - 12 cal
Doggy-style - 72 cal
69 laying - 8 cal
69 standing up - 112 cal
Trolley - 216 cal
Italian chandelier - 912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM
Real - 112 cal
Fake - 315 cal

POST ORGASM
Staying in bed - 8 cal
Jumping out of bed - 36 cal
Explaining why you jumped out of bed - 816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age - 12 cal
from 20 to 29 - 36 cal
from 30 to 39 - 108 cal
from 40 to 49 - 324 cal
from 50 to 59 - 972 cal
over 60 - 2916 cal

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly - 32 cal
Being in a hurry to leave - 98 cal
With her husband/boyfriend opening the door - 218 cal

CHEERS!

A new websizzle fo' shizzle!

2005-03-02T15:29:00.000-05:00

It seems my last post didn't go over like I hoped. Pity.

If you like that comic, go here RIGHT NOW!

I don't have much time to blog right off hand. But I'm trying not to get into the swing of going more than a week without posting. Then again, Charlie says it's probably good not to blog too much!

Thankfully, I'm only addicted to semi-circular objects and looking at my watch!

CHEERS!

Ask me 3 questions...

2005-02-28T14:09:00.000-05:00

So I've noticed a trend in blogging recently. So, since I have a small following of regular readers, I figure it might be interesting and fun to jump on this bandwagon.

Ask me 3 questions. Any 3 questions. Anything you don't know about me from my blogging that you may have wondered about. Leave them as a comment and I will answer them, no matter what they are.

Disclaimer: I will not answer questions that require me to reveal confidential information (i.e. phone number, address, bank account, credit card, SSN, etc...).

Ready...set...GO!

CHEERS!

Safety First

2005-02-23T09:51:00.000-05:00

My former boss at my previous company used to be a police officer in Euless, Texas. Several years ago, when Glock handguns were just becoming popular with law enforcement, he was living in an apartment complex where he was a community officer (cops were given free apartments in return for security services within the complex, basically). This meant that he had a master key to access any apartment if he needed to.

He told me this story about a year ago.

One day, he was bored and had just received his newest duty weapon. There is a unique safety feature on Glock handguns that seemed rather trivial to him. So he decided to play with it a bit. He tried to pull on the edge of the trigger and see if it really would fire or not. Somehow, the edge of his thumb caught the trigger safety and the gun (which was pointed at the ceiling) went off, firing one round into his ceiling, which was also the floor for the elderly woman living above him.

Luckily she wasn't at home.

So he unlocked her apartment and attempted to fix the problem the same way I tried to...

Cut forward 3 or 4 days and here I am with my new Sig Sauer P229 .40 caliber handgun standing in my second-floor bedroom in my father's house. This gun does not have the same safety feature as the Glock. But that wouldn't have mattered anyway.

So anywho, I had just come off a 21 hour shift at work, I had been awake for about 30 hours straight and I was completely sleeptarded. So of course, this would be the perfect time to play with my new "toy"!

There is a scene in the movie "Training Day" where Ethan Hawke's character ejects a round from the receiver of his Beretta 9 millimeter and catches it in his hand. I should mention here that rounds/cartridges eject very erratically from the receiver of most handguns. So of course, I was certain that I would NEVER be cool until I learned that nifty trick!

So I started to practice...with a live round. And it actually worked. I learned the trick so quickly, that I didn't feel as though I had really accomplished anything. So I figured, I should try to learn to do it FAST! Then I'd be SUPERcool!

So of course, the gun goes off and I blow a hole through the floor (which is the first-floor ceiling), and through 3 walls downstairs. After the initial shock (which lasted a good 15 minutes, during which time I actually convinced myself at one point that I was dreaming the whole thing!) I headed downstairs to check the damages. I will just say this...if there had been anyone else in my house at the time, they likely would have been sitting on the couch watching TV when a bullet would've flown through the wall about a foot above their head out of nowhere and they probably would have effectively filled their pants with poop!

So I grabbed a tube of toothpaste and started to spackle up the holes! But it wasn't working too good. And I knew I might've shot through something important (water line, gas line, etc...) so I figured I was had. So I called my old man and fessed up.

Oh and I found the bullet in the garage!

CHEERS!

Heavily Medicated

2005-02-21T14:05:00.000-05:00

As if the weekend wasn't horrid enough already, today has left me really hating my job (temporarily of course!). I have so much on my plate, it's unreal! Recruiting, staffing, advertising, proposals, upcoming first-quarter reviews, meetings, foreign people...it's like my own personal hell! There just aren't enough hours in the day!

If I'm not careful, I may be forced to adopt my father's doctrine for life ("Sleep when you're dead") this week!

Happily, I've just learned that they make pills for people in my situation!

CHEERS!

Working overtime at Dorky Inc.

2005-02-20T12:23:00.000-05:00

Didn't I say it was gonna be a sh*tty weekend this weekend? God I hate being right!

Got called in to work yesterday. Sucks for me, but it sparked a good idea! I'm paid on salary so whenever I work on the weekend or work an hourly job, I don't get paid for it. Technically that is a good thing cuz any revenue generated by my work in this capacity is all profit (since we don't have to pay wages out from it). Well I think I'm going to start saving this extra profit away to pay for incentives for my employees, like movie passes or other "generic" rewards for going above and beyond. I think it's a good idea!

Ok I hate to beat a dead horse but just in case there's anyone out there that HASN'T seen the Numa Numa video yet, here it is!

Numa Numa

The guy that did this video is now more famous than the Star-Wars kid.

He even warranted a report on CNN!

How dorky am I you ask?

I actually downloaded the song from the Numa Numa video!

On a final note...a friend of mine on a motorcycle web forum that I frequent is organizing a fund raiser. We're gonna raise money for subscriptions to "Motorcyclist" magazine and send them over to the soldiers in Iraq. So if any of you have any friends/family overseas that would enjoy this magazine, leave a comment or email me to submit an APO or donation (if you trust me that much!).

CHEERS!

Technical difficulties

2005-02-19T10:29:00.000-05:00

Yeah that's the last time I EVER click on any links in someone's AIM profile!

On Valentine's Day I managed to pick up some kind of virus using this method. I usually get around viruses pretty well. Come to find out that my anti-virus software essentially sucks and not only did it not block the virus, it couldn't even find it after a system scan.

WEAK!!!

Anywho, I'm back up and running now! And once upon a time I mentioned (in my 100 useless facts list I believe) that I am too dependent on the internet. This fact was definitely confirmed over the past 48 hours during which time I was without my computer altogether!!! It was a nightmare!

Today's song recommendation: Spongebob Squarepants' "Jellyfish Jam"

Good times!

I managed to pick up a guest spot on The Dr Dyno Show last night. For those out of the loop, my friend Jeff puts on a 4 hour live internet radio show every friday night at 7:00 EST. So last night I was invited to be on the show! It was rather interesting. I'm not so much cut out for radio though. I'm funny enough and everything, but I lack the personality necessary for a successful show. Hopefully I'll be invited back again soon though. The studio was pretty cool and I spent most of my time playing with Photoshop (I had zero skills with this program beforehand). I'm definitely a fan! I'm sure I'll be posting up some of my odd creations soon!

Work-wise, this weekend is shaping up to be a drag! But at least now that I have my computer back, I'm relatively more safeguarded against insanity!

CHEERS!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2005-02-14T11:25:00.000-05:00

What? They're funny!

CHEERS!

2005-02-13T21:17:00.000-05:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Stoopid is as stoopid does

2005-02-11T15:27:00.000-05:00

I have this saying that I use rather often. When someone is destined to screw up something, but you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, I call it "giving them enough rope to hang themselves". I use it so frequently, it has more or less become second nature now and I say it without thinking.

In fact, I wasn't thinking this morning when I said it about a black woman that works for me. I'm considering having surgery to remove my foot from my mouth!

Anyway, speaking of feeling stupid...I woke up this morning to my radio going off as usual. Right about this time, there was a woman on the air who was asking the morning show DJs to let her propose to her boyfriend live on the air. Of course, they agreed, called him up and she popped the question.

Not only did she get rejected, but he decided to let her know right then that, not only was he seeing someone else, but he wasn't actually at work. He was at the other girl's house. Apparently he was going to wait until after Valentine's Day to break everything off.

So I pose the question: Which is worse? Being single on Valentine's Day? Or being dumped out of a 3-year relationship, on a publicly broadcasted radio morning show, 3 days before Valentine's Day?

I feel sorry for that woman, but, happily, my life seems much brighter today!

CHEERS!

What is the world coming to?

2005-02-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

My blog gets visited from Estonia?

Do they even have electricity there?!?!

Anywho, so the Eagles lost and I'm kinda sore about it so if anyone mentions football at this point, then it's totally cool with me if you just drop dead on the spot! At least the commercials were decent. Too bad they didn't air the best one!

UnAired Super Bowl Commercial

And I caught a preview for the new Disney movie "The Pacifier". (This is only monumental because I rarely watch broadcast television so I never know about movies until they've already cleared the theaters.) Ok so, how desperate do you have to be if you're Vin Diesel and you take a role in a "Kindergarten Cop meets Triple X" movie? Nuff said!

I really need to take a second to say thank you to all the people who read my blog! I have a rather small but loyal band of "regulars" here and it's nice to know that some of the weirdness that is me can actually be appealing! As a matter of fact, be it that my following IS rather small, I will take this opportunity to thank each person individually:

Charlie - Thanks for visiting!
Jen - Thanks for visiting!
Deanndra - Thanks for visiting!
Jennifer - Thanks for visiting!
Emily - Thanks for visiting!
Annie - Thanks for visiting!
Jimmy - Thanks for visiting!
Kyle - Thanks for visiting!

If your name isn't a hyperlink, then you need to start a blog or something!

And, if your name isn't on the list, then you need to start leaving comments or something cuz I'm not psychic people!

CHEERS!

Almost time

2005-01-31T13:11:00.000-05:00

Looks like I better get crackin' on my 1000 visitors party

As of this post, I'm at 983 visitors.

Which actually isn't very confidence-inspiring. I've seen a few other blogs with 2, 3, sometimes 4 times that many hits in the same amount of time. I need to brush up on my marketing skills.

...or maybe my readers need some motivation!

CHEERS!

Poor, pitiful me

2005-01-30T11:05:00.000-05:00

In my 100 list a few posts back, I mentioned that I had a huge crush on the chick that cuts my hair. She's awesome and everything but I think she got me sick when I went in for a haircut Friday.

I'm not a happy camper!

Anyway, speaking of women, apparently buying ice cream religiously can be a good way to catch a girl's attention. Scenario: I buy a pint of some random flavor of ice cream every Friday or Saturday for my once-a-week cheat (I'm only a slight health freak). I generally go to the local Wal-Greens just because they are close and have a decent selection. Almost always, it's the same girl at the checkout and last night she decided to strike up a conversation with me when I laid my pint of Edy's Peanut Butter Cup ice cream on the counter. Judging by "Marie's" advice about eye contact as an indicator of a woman's interest, I'd say she probably would've left work right then and there to come home with me for some of that ice cream! But, as usual, I'm a big pu$$y and so I went home with just ice cream to keep me warm.

How can you not be sad for me! I'm so pitiful, it may almost be cute!

I found this last night. Amazing how easy it really is to read. Of course, if you're drunk right now it may be a challenge.

CHEERS!

To my friends, family and readers

2005-01-29T16:44:00.000-05:00

I'm letting you know before you hear it through a rumor mill that I have been contacted by a woman who alleges that I am the father of her child. I do not know whether she wishes to substantiate this by means of a DNA test; however, she has sent a photograph of the child, which bears a very strong and undeniable resemblance. On the basis of this irrefutable photographic evidence, I have decided to begin paying child support immediately.

Thank you all for understanding.

View photo evidence here

We are the sultans of swing...

2005-01-29T13:15:00.000-05:00

I've been utterly addicted to that song lately.

So I dunno what's been going on here but I've either been very busy or very unable to blog for some reason. Either way, hopefully I get back into full stride soon!

I once said to myself that when I got a good job that paid well, I'd inevitably stop spending money for no reason because I will have had enough money to buy the things I wanted (and materially, I don't really want for much) and eventually I'd theoretically run out of things to buy myself (minus a few sporadic ideas where I walk into, say, Best Buy, look at a new XBox and go "hey, there's a hobby!"). So with very little to buy other than food and other essentials, I'd finally start saving money. This past 2 weeks or so, my theory is becoming reality. Oddly enough, my bank account has been steadily inflating as my money just sits and rots away and I'm perfectly content with it! Now I just have to find a new goal to shoot for in my financial life.

A big thank you to Charlie for including me in his list of influential "blogger-buddies" (so to speak). Mr. Williams was kind enough to allow us all a glimpse of the future and what the inevitable book (biographically-based on my blog) would look like when published...

Charlie kicks ass!

I found an astoundingly effective cure for a hangover recently. Just thought I'd share. Please note that I am not a certified expert so everything stated in this post is a matter of pure opinion. That said, most people know that a hangover is caused by the dehydrating effect of alcohol on the body. So obviously water is required the day after hard drinking (like last night!). More preferably, if you drink water WHILE you're drinking hard, the next morning shouldn't be as rough. But who really wants to drink water with their Miller? That just takes up the space in the stomach that you have so readily set aside for beer! Moving on...
Most likely the effects of the alcohol the next morning will still be doing a number on you in some way. So any water you drink is going to be fought off. Oddly, salt (in the form of sodium-rich foods) forces your cells to retain water. So, in theory, eating something salty and drinking a decent amount of water should have you feeling rather spiffy in short order. I have personally proven this theory several times. About 20 ounces worth of water (more if you can stomach it), and (for me) a snack-size bag of chips, glass of tomato juice or even a few slices of lunch meat (ham is really salty) will do the job within 20-30 minutes and you'll be back in the game!

Or I could just stop drinking so damn much and sounding somewhat like a hypocrit talking all nerdy about "sodium-rich foods" and how they thwart alcohol's "dehydrating properties"! I mean, seriously!

Oh damn, I forgot I'm supposed to help Greg finish moving today. Crapola! Maybe I'll have good blogging material afterwards. I'll see if I can make him trip out the door carrying a sofa! At least I'll be amused!

CHEERS!

One last thing...

2005-01-24T21:10:00.000-05:00

I found a new "man handled" blog recently. And the "format" of his 100 list strikingly resembles mine.

Why do I think like a gay man?

CHEERS!

The ineluctable motorcycle posts of 2005

2005-01-24T20:23:00.000-05:00

OK, first things first…a little background on me:

In 1995 my mother earned a living by babysitting from our home. One of her kids in particular took quite a liking to me and would hang around me all the time. One day, he brought a diecast toy motorcycle with him. This will seem very stupid to some, but that toy kicked off my entire fascination with motorcycles. I’ve been addicted ever since. I can still remember that toy. It was a red Kawasaki Ninja sportbike. And all my young mind could think was how cool it would be to have one of these machines. And thus began my two-wheeled dream. Unfortunately, I was only 14 years old and to get a license for a motorcycle, you have to be at least 16.

Jump ahead a year to 1996…my parents just bought their first convertible car and the Indiana Pacers were HUGE in my state and especially in my city. The family was out one day for a drive with the top down and the unofficial theme song for the Pacers came on the radio. So, naturally, my sister and I began waving our arms back and forth in the air (the customary and highly recognizable gesture for this song). Then I spotted the lime green sportbike coming towards our car in the oncoming lane. When the rider was close enough, he (or possibly she) took notice of the enthusiast antics from the backseat of the convertible, let go of the handlebars and began to wave his (or her) arms back and forth as well in rhythm with ours. As he/she passed our car, the rider (in full leather gear and helmet) looked our way, gave a big thumbs up and wheelied past us. At the time, in my young mind, this was undeniably the pinnacle of all cool things! And then my mother piped up with, “Don’t you even think YOU’RE ever getting one of those stupid things!”

So now I was 15 years old (still too young) AND my mother clearly disapproved of my dream.

Not that I'm one to let a challenge get me down…

In 2002, I was 20 years old, still in college and my parents had just divorced. My mother decided to move back to her childhood hometown in Kentucky and my father moved to a smaller house across town. My sister is an undependable terd 99% of the time so I helped my father as much as possible on weekends between school helping him get settled into his new house. And my reward was more than I could handle almost. Mom was gone and that meant that two-wheeled vehicles were fair game now.

The trip to buy my first motorcycle was the longest 30 minutes of my entire life!

And so, my addiction began…and has grown steadily ever since. In the past 3 seasons, I have grown in many ways as a rider and my skill level is remarkable.

And now it is 2005 and time for a new bike. See I buy a new bike every year in the spring (usually April) and then turn around and sell it in late fall (October or so). Normally you would think it would be a better choice to just buy one bike and stick with that one, but as my skills increase, I like to further myself by stepping up in technology, size, power and speed. In chronological order from first to most recent, my bikes have been:

2002 Kawasaki Ninja EX250 (250cc)

2000 Kawasaki ZX-6R (600cc)

2003 Kawasaki ZX-636R (636cc)

And this year, I have prospected and chosen my ideal next step:

2005 Suzuki GSX-R750 (750cc)

And if any of you are riders or safety advocates, I will also be adding these to my collection this year as well:

Anyway, so the general purpose of this post is really just to warn my readers that in the next 2 months or so, much of my blogging material will likely have something to do with accounts from riding. Hopefully this doesn’t get annoying, but the most interesting things happen to me when I’m riding.

And so it begins…

CHEERS!

Student of human nature

2005-01-24T13:01:00.000-05:00

I have been a student of human nature for many years now. When I was 15, I suffered from clinical depression, withdrew from family and friends, "ran with the wrong crowd", used drugs and eventually became suicidal. I was admitted to a local psychological health facility for 8 days where I underwent the biggest turning point in my life. I became self-sufficient, strong-willed and developed the extreme basics of my doctrine for life (of course, not overnight). In the past 2 years or so, I have learned to be very open-minded and to take assumptions with a grain of salt. In theory, the possibilities to expand the mind are endless, yet humans, for the most part, prefer to just live within the confines of universal ideology. But we won't dive into the details of what makes me tick, so to speak.

Recently I have taken up an interest in Astrology. I'm not into horoscopes or anything and I don't look at Astrology as a spiritual religion. I don't read Tarot cards or claim to be all-knowing/all-seeing. But I find Astrology (particularly the Zodiac sun signs) to be a profoundly intriguing guideline in my "studies" of human nature and behavior. Lately, I have selected a few test subjects from my life and cross-referenced their behaviors and idiosyncracies with the predetermined "forecasts" set for each Zodiac sign.

This website is a good starting point to help explain each Zodiac sign. If you have time, I'd recommend you take a minute for self-examination (always a useful tool) and check your own tendencies and behaviors against what your sign is prone to.

I don't believe that the sun, moon, stars or planets has anything to do with people becoming the way that they are. I do believe that the time that you enter this world may somewhat dictate the different environmental and natural impressions left on you which may lead to certain outcomes in individuality. Then again, I don't believe that anyone has ever 100% perfectly fit the description of their sign, and these "variations" of the standard, in my opinion, are a result of the many different influences we may be subject to and develop from (i.e. a Capricorn born in the mountain region of Montana has very different environmental and cultural surroundings and factors than, say, a Capricorn born in the Florida Keys).

After all, human thinking is restricted only by that which we have not yet discovered. There was a time when things like radiation or sound waves were thought of as impossible. After all, if you can't see it, how would you know it's there? That is, until we developed the path to the discovery of things we cannot see. So who is to say that we just haven't yet discovered some other silent, invisible force that may have an impact on our physical or psychological capacity or development? Animals knew the tsunami in Indonesia was coming long before it arrived. Large concentrations of domestic and wild animals were found grouped far inland after the wave hit. So what invisible force allowed them to "predict" the future?

To tie this all together, my following of Astrology is due to the idea that the earth, sun, moon, etc. may have a lot to do with these alleged outside forces and influences, this being, in my opinion, the most logical speculation.

I promise, I won't go all pseudo-philosophical like this very often. But every now and then, I get an idea that I like to capitalize on. Although, it wouldn't be the first time I've been accused of being crazy!

CHEERS!

My sincere apologies

2005-01-21T22:50:00.000-05:00

Almost an entire week without a post! I know, shame on me! I may have blogger's block (aren't I clever?!?!).

In the meantime, a friend of mine from "way back" finally started her own blog recently. A project in the making for sure...but with a wonderfully relevant opening post!

Check it out!

...and I promise this will not happen again!

CHEERS!

A few odd realizations

2005-01-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: If you are unfamiliar with American football, part of this post may not make sense.

It became clear to me yesterday evening that folks in Indiana are either way too ingrained with basketballism (I know that's not a real word, but try and use your imagination and stay with me here people!), or will stop at nothing to win free stuff, regardless of it's value (monetary or personal). Observe....
A conversation between "Jeff" and a local radio DJ from yesterday afternoon:

DJ: What's your name caller?
Jeff: My name is Jeff.
DJ: Congratulations Jeff, you're caller 93! You've won a pair of tickets to see the Indianapolis Colts take on the New England Patriots at the iMAX theater this Sunday!
Jeff: (With feigned enthusiasm) Awesome!
DJ: So are you a big Colts fan, Jeff?
Jeff: Yeah I suppose so.
DJ: Well let's get a quick prediction from you? Predict the score at the end of the game...
Jeff: Gee...I don't know, umm...102 to...70, I guess.
DJ: Umm...that would be with the Colts winning, at least, right?

Hopefully some of you will catch on to the inherent (and undeniably hysterical) humor here!

Anyway, moving on...

Don't you just hate when you're sitting there, with the girl you have a massive crush on (who happens to have a boyfriend who you think is a complete loser and inferior human being in general), talking about this and that and you're discussing personalities and you both realize that you definitely have several character traits which she finds extremely attractive (and she has, on several occasions, dropped hints in the past that she thinks you're cute) and the conversation starts to gear towards the idea that the two of you might actually be destined to hook up some day soon because you're clearly a much wiser choice as boyfriends go compared to the scumbag she's dating now and you know that with your imagination and creativity, the opportunities to completely woo her would be endless...and then the asshole calls just to tell her he's thinking about her (for the first time ever!) and she gets ALL F*CKING EXCITED about it and decides to rush home and cook dinner for the two of them and you know full well what that will lead to later in the evening, an event which now seems to never be destined to include YOU...

I mean, don't you just hate that?

CHEERS!

The proverbial "everyone else has one" 100 useless facts list

2005-01-12T23:36:00.000-05:00

1. I make a lot of my personal decisions based on the risk of getting made fun of
2. I would eat mexican food every single day if I could
3. I was born with a dislocated shoulder
4. I think I'm very intelligent in an uncommon capacity
5. ...but I play dumb a lot
6. I will avoid handwriting anything as often as possible
7. I like everything to be symmetrical and even
8. I'm 23 years old and my hair is severely going gray already
9. I think that Ecstasy might be an interesting drug to try
10. I technically work in Business Management but my degree is in Criminal Justice
11. I can watch the same movie or listen to the same song over and over again and not get bored
12. I hate basketball
13. I worry about my physical appearance more than most women
14. I was fired from the local Wal-Mart when I was 18 for stealing a radar detector
15. I often make financial decisions based on how others will view me as a result
16. I don't believe in god
17. I want to be like my dad when I'm older, but only in a few ways
18. I was unpopular in high school and did poorly in classes...
19. I was very popular at college and did extremely well in classes
20. I have had a motorcycle operator's license for almost 4 years
21. I am the last of my family (I have 4 sisters, no brothers and no male cousins)
22. I have a ridiculously good memory
23. I have never owned a dog before
24. I generally don't prefer "busty" women
25. I have had fantasies about having sex with an Australian woman just because of the accent they have
26. I like short hair on women
27. I am always organized even when things are a mess
28. I can't sleep in dead silence
29. I prefer FedEx to U.P.S. for no real reason
30. I only have one friend who also wears a suit to work
31. I like Halloween because it gives me an excuse to act stupid
32. I like April Fool's Day for the same reason
33. I am horrible at math
34. The word "vagina" drives me crazy (and not in a good way)
35. My apartment has brown/orange carpet
36. While I workout, I keep my intensity up by playing aggressive video games
37. I keep the thermostat in my house around 63 degrees, even in winter
38. I once accidentally fired a handgun inside my father’s house
39. For some reason, little kids always seem to like me
40. When I was a baby, I used to play with cellophane and kitchen towels instead of my toys
41. I have only been in one fist fight and I didn’t win
42. When I was in third grade my class found a used condom on the basketball court at recess
43. I am afraid of marriage because I’m terrified that I might end up divorced
44. Peanut butter is my favorite healthy food
45. I am intrigued by other cultures and alternate lifestyles
46. I am too dependent on the internet
47. I have an oddly huge crush on my hairdresser
48. I believe that I am more “christian” than most Christians
49. I have always wished my name had been Wesley
50. I have never travelled outside of the U.S.
51. I build muscle fastest in my chest
52. I have more VHS videos than I have DVD videos
53. I have owned 7 vehicles in my life (counting motorcycles)
54. I have a severe desire for acceptance, moreso than most I suspect
55. I tend to sell myself short in most cases
56. I daydream sometimes about leading police on a high speed chase just to see if I could win
57. I get my hair cut exactly once a week even though I could go longer between cuts
58. I feel proud when I make someone laugh
59. My longest running nickname was “Johnnycakes” but it has more or less died out
60. “Memento” and “The Butterfly Effect” are the only two movies I’ve had to watch more than once to understand
61. I’ve never truly been addicted to anything
62. I prefer to drive a manual transmission because they are more fun and more useful
63. I probably only put in about 10 hours per week of actual work at my office
64. I always wish that the whites of my eyes were brighter
65. I am afraid to take big risks when gambling for money
66. My liquor of preference is tequila
67. I once rear-ended a pregnant woman while driving because I was busy staring at a sports car
68. I was in the “gifted” program in elementary school
69. I always tend to chase after the wrong women without really realizing the mistake I’m making
70. For some reason, cold noses are a major turn-on for me
71. I’m a really good liar, especially in the spur-of-the-moment situations where you have no time to think up a bullsh*t excuse
72. …because of this, I usually second-guess people’s credibility, especially if they are intelligent
73. I used to live on a farm where my family raised sheep and cattle
74. …it was destroyed by a tornado in 1998
75. I have an affinity for good techno music
76. I’m not a jealous person, as guys go
77. I always swear that I will marry the first woman I find who plays guitar AND rides a motorcycle
78. A kiss usually has a major impact on me
79. My first job was on a hog farm when I was 15
80. I usually don’t do anything productive on Sundays
81. I have a friend with a vibrator named “Ross”
82. I talk to myself when I’m scared, especially if I’m alone
83. Sexually, I have comfort levels that most people can’t reach
84. In my family I am closest to my sister Crystal, who is, ironically, 1200 miles away
85. I am quick to accuse people of being closed-minded
86. I’m not big on designer labels as long as the clothes fit well
87. I have never cheated in a relationship
88. I have never had a broken bone (knock on wood)
89. I once put a hole in my guitar when I threw a remote control at my cat, and missed
90. I think brown is a horrible color for most anything aside from dirt
91. I don’t like “girlie” girls
92. I tend to get too “creative” with my wording when I explain things
93. I’m unusually good with long distance relationships
94. I have shaved my pubic hair before while drunk
95. I got a ticket once when I was 15 for “illegal possession of tobacco”
96. When my father passes away, I will most likely inherit enough money to put my kids through college someday (of course I’d rather keep him around)
97. Two of my ex-girlfriends have gotten pregnant out of wedlock
98. I don’t usually like to talk on the phone
99. I don’t watch television but I have dozens of South Park episodes downloaded on my computer
100. Extremely attractive women intimidate the hell out of me

CHEERS!

Radio station inspiration

2005-01-12T11:16:00.000-05:00

I woke up at 6:00 AM this morning and, of course, my favorite radio morning show was on. Everyday they do a segment called "Top 3 things you need to know". It's basically a top three list of news headlines. Some are very bizarre, some are very noteworthy and some are just plain hysterical. One of today's top three caught my attention. Unfortunately, I can't find an internet link to prove that this story is real. I've googled my heart out and couldn't find a headline about it anywhere. But the story went like this:

"A diabetic man from Germany recently vacationed in Costa Rica. Soon after his arrival, however, he noticed that his left foot was swelling quite a bit. Being a diabetic, he had been through this problem before and promptly visited the local hospital for some aspirin, which normally remedies such problems for diabetics. However, the medical staff believed that the problem was much more serious. They then proceeded to dose the man with drugs which knocked him out. Two days later the man came to in a Costa Rican airport with his left leg amputated below the knee and $375 missing from his wallet replaced by a receipt from the hospital for the surgery...."

The story goes on to explain the further complications the man has had since this calamity. In point of fact, the man suffered blood poisoning as a result of the surgery.

If no one else has dibs yet, I'm definitely buying the movie rights for this one!

In other news...(I've always wanted to say that!), the same local radio station also has a promotion going on where their listeners can call in and get a "listener number" to make their committment to that particular morning show more "official". Every time they distribute 1,000 listener numbers, they hold a promotional event for it and call it "The _,000 Listener Party". I think their last one was 8,000 if memory serves me correctly. Anywho, I've decided to take a similar route and hold a "Visitor Party" everytime I cross another thousand visitors to my blog. My first 1,000 is fast approaching! Time to prepare the guest list!

In reference to the recent IP-Relay calls I have received, I've decided that it is not, in fact, the CIA who is behind this. The messages are just screaming KGB! I mean, the CIA would at least know to dial the right number. And Russia is well-known for having far too many underground operatives and disbanded separatists anyway. "I will moon you like Randy Moss"? Come on, how does this not just reek of communism-esque humor?

I don't know how this happened, but I've had Hilary Duff's song "Let the Rain Fall Down" stuck in my head all morning. And I wonder why people sometimes question my sexuality!

No fan list today. I've decided I need a new trademark for my posts. So here's the official goodbye to the fan lists!

CHEERS!

How to self-diagnose neuroses

2005-01-11T21:17:00.000-05:00

~ Conversation that took place tonight between myself and a witty female friend of mine. As usual the names are changed for humor and anonymity!

Capt. Neurosis: So I just got a very amusing phone call...
Capt. Neurosis: from Applebees...
Untamed Shrew: Huh?
Capt. Neurosis: I dunno...
Capt. Neurosis: some woman called and when I said "Hello?", she goes "Ok, here's the deal...you're not calling her...she's not calling you...so I'm calling you, and now you get to talk to her but only if you behave, ok?"
Untamed Shrew: Who is "her"?
Capt. Neurosis: I haven't the foggiest...but my response went something like "Ummmm...can I ask who this is?"
Capt. Neurosis: To which she responded "OH CRAP...can I talk to Justin?"
Capt. Neurosis: And I go "I think you have the wrong number!"
Capt. Neurosis: And she says (in a very sincerely embarassed and apologetic tone of voice), "Oh my lord I'm sorry!", and immediately hung up!
Untamed Shrew: That is indeed funny!
Capt. Neurosis: So I sort of stood there staring at the phone like "WTF just happened!?!?"
Capt. Neurosis: And here I sit now wondering who "her" was as well
Capt. Neurosis: I mean it sure sounded like she was having guy issues...which we all know I am great at fixing (by stepping in and replacing the jerk of course!)
Capt. Neurosis: So, in theory, "her" could have very conceivably been my soulmate!
Untamed Shrew: This is quite true
Capt. Neurosis: But I guess I'll never know
Capt. Neurosis: Unless I run to Applebee's RIGHT NOW and ask every waitress if someone accidentally called a wrong number recently...
Capt. Neurosis: of course then I'll come off as neurotic and "her" will run away screaming, most likely hide under her sheets tonight thinking the weird guy from Applebee's might come stalking her again and have a generally irreversibly bad first impression of me altogether...
Capt. Neurosis: Have you any idea how difficult it is to be me?
Untamed Shrew: Sorry
Capt. Neurosis: But, on a lighter note, I think I have good blogging material here
Capt. Neurosis: Now should I lead off the post discussing my penile flexibility issues? Or leave that part out?
Untamed Shrew: What is wrong with you?
Capt. Neurosis: With my penis? Nothing at all. I just thought it sounded amusing!
Untamed Shrew: But you are acting...odd
Capt. Neurosis: I am?
Capt. Neurosis: Odd as in "not myself" odd?
Untamed Shrew: No...odd as in "smoking the banana peels" odd!

I guess this clears up two of my issues:
1. I have neurotic tendencies
and...
2. I now know the effects of smoking banana peels (and thank god because now I won't have to enter into human trials on that one after all, just so my curiosity will be sated!)

On a sidenote: I received another IP-Relay call tonight. This was was from Sprint's IP-Relay service. Last night was a different company I think. Either way, this message was even better than last night's: "I will moon you like Randy Moss."

If this can somehow be construed as a coded CIA message, I'd love to know how! Otherwise, I'm betting Canada is safe...for now!

Why does all the weird stuff happen to me?

CHEERS!

I have acquired a temporary roommate

2005-01-11T15:54:00.000-05:00

So I came home from work and guess who still hasn't moved from the spot where I left him 5 hours ago?

I'll give you three guesses...and the first two don't count!

Almost 24 hours running since the last time he slept and rapidly approaching 16 hours nonstop gameplay. For anyone who cares, he has been playing "The Need for Speed Underground II" on my PlayStation II. The ultimate goal is for him to reach level IV without trading in his car. For the past 16 hours, he has been continually upgrading a Peugeot 206 (The lowest level car you can get when you begin a new game)...

Granted it more closely resembles this now...

...and currently is competing against opponent cars like the Nissan Skyline...

Pontiac GTO...

and Mitsubishi 3000GT...

Somebody come save this poor kid before he realizes what a nerd he's becoming!

I hope for his sake that I do not acquire any further blogging material based on his odd sense of ambition!

CHEERS!

Catching up

2005-01-11T11:48:00.000-05:00

I tried to convince Jason to guestblog for me last night, but he was preoccupied playing Need for Speed Underground II. To be more precise, he was preoccupied for over 9 hours straight last time I checked. I went to sleep last night at midnight and woke up at 8:15 this morning and found him right where I had left him the night before. Pardon my extreme lack of surprise!

I got a strange phone call last night on my personal cell phone. The call was from an IP-Relay operator. See, the thing about relay calls is that the operator doesn't know who the caller is or where they are calling from. The caller is "calling" from a computer. They type what they want to say (like an instant message) and it goes to the operator, who places a phone call and relays the typewritten message to the "callee" verbally via telephone. It was originally started, I believe, as a way for deaf or mute people to make calls. Although a totally anonymous system like this is far too inviting for pranksters! This should prove my point (NSFW).

Oh and the message that the "caller" sent me was "I love the fields and the buffalo."

I disconnected the call for three reasons:

1. The operator was relaying EVERYTHING I said including the side comments I was making to Jason trying to explain the puzzled look on my face about this call. This also includes his side comment of "Does she sound hot?"

2. I had no idea who was calling me and the message made no sense.

3. I ruled out the possibility that the CIA had accidentally dialed a wrong number while trying to relay a highly classified coded message.

Either way, it was rather interesting.

On my way to work this morning, I heard something else that peaked my interest on the radio. I guess a listener and some friends were playing a version of truth or dare or something and one of the truth questions was "Name a celebrity that is generally not thought of as attractive, but whom you secretly find very sexy and would definitely have sex with." The woman said that her answer was David Letterman. The radio DJ (male) answered with Oprah Winfrey.

I haven't put much thought into this myself but I'm leaning towards Lori Petty. Feel free to share your thoughts here!

I'm sure I'll post more later. At the moment it was seriously bugging me that I had let my blog go several days without an update! My apologies!

Today I'm a fan of playing aggressive video games while exercising, "dirty girls" and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Ignorant motives

2005-01-07T17:45:00.000-05:00

Leave it to me to say "I've never put dialogue in my blog before" and then wind up doing it twice the same day! My middle name should have been "Irony"!

Anywho, this was part of a conversation I had with "Marie" earlier this afternoon:

Marie: Regardless, we're all ignorant
Outlaw: We are?
Marie: It's a part of life
Marie: Yes, we are
Outlaw: ...oh
Outlaw: ...ok
Outlaw: From now on I shall introduce myself to people as "Ignorant" and I shall refer to them as "Ignorant" also!
Outlaw: "Hello Ignorant...I am called Ignorant also!"
Outlaw: "Nice to meet you!"
Marie: Do you not agree?
Outlaw: I do somewhat
Outlaw: We all exercise ignorance at some point
Marie: We are ALL ignorant...although some people seriously take the cake!
Outlaw: But maybe not EVERYONE and not ALWAYS
Outlaw: And it's not always everyone's fault...sometimes it is unavoidable
Marie: In almost every situation or circumstance, I'm certain I can find some type of ignorant motive behind it
Outlaw: Ok, what's my ignorant motive for having a job?
Marie: Do you drive a car to work? Then you're literally working just to pay for part of that gas to go to work...so you're working just to be able to get to work
Marie: See? Ignorance!
Outlaw: But my company pays for my car and my gas
Outlaw: Remember?
Marie: Hmmm...
Marie: Ok, gimme a second here...I can come up with one
Outlaw: I'm definitely blogging about this convo
Outlaw: I'm gonna go pee while you're thinking
Outlaw: Hmmm...I wonder what ignorant motive is driving me to pee!?!?
Outlaw: Yep...definitely blogging about this

CHEERS!

Ferraris and moose (or mooses if you prefer)

2005-01-07T13:53:00.000-05:00

I have never posted a dialogue from an outside conversation before but this one seemed too amusing not to share!

A conversation between my neurotic friend Greg and myself earlier today:

Greg: I just don't wanna sit in another Ferrari.
Me: Ferrari??????
Greg: expression I made up
Me: I think I get it
Me: But clarify anyway
Greg: It's like when you go to an exotic car dealership and sit in a Ferrari...
Greg: You really want it...
Greg: And you think about it...
Greg: It's perfect...
Greg: But sitting in it is as close as you'll ever get.
Greg: So hanging out with a girl you really like that you can't have is like sitting in a Ferrari.
Me: Let alone that you look really out of place in a 6-figure vehicle when you're an unattractive, broke-ass bum with a shitty job and a low-class life...
Greg: ...oh yeah, that too

Anyway, so I must thank Jen for jumping on the bandwagon of loyal "outlaw" followers! Jen is from Canada. So of course the mouse-over text on her link (yes I'm linking to her, naturally!) will probably include the word "aboot". But until I get her link added permanently, I'll put one in this post.

CHEERS!

The continuing battle

2005-01-06T19:14:00.000-05:00

Many of the readers of this blog already know that I constantly face accusations that I am gay. I've spent some time pondering this fact. I've even gone as far as to step outside the box and really question my sexuality on more than one occasion. I've done some serious soul-searching about certain guys I have met. Bottomline is: I'm not gay. I'm just open-minded. Moreso maybe than most people. I can definitely see why many people mistake me as gay. I can see why some are absolutely certain that I am and are just waiting patiently for me to come out (I think even my own mother fits into this category). Either way, I'm very satisfied in my certainty about my sexuality and I don't pay much attention to the "little people" anymore...

But I would hate to disrupt the usual flow of misinterpretations!

I've realized lately that some of the most interesting blogs I have come across are authored by gay men. And I am extremely intrigued by their perspectives, let alone amused by their writing style in most cases. So I am compiling a separate list of my favorites and listing them separate from my other blog links.

I mean, with a collection of links to blogs containing post titles such as "Gays of our lives" and "I don't care how straight you are", how could I ever be flamed?

Wait, was that a gay pun?!?!

CHEERS!

A whole lotta nada

2005-01-06T15:07:00.000-05:00

I tried blogging three times last night. My computer wouldn't stay UNcrashed long enough to post my entry though. I'm currently in the middle of a battle with a Trojan virus on my computer at home. So far it's a draw. Nothing is ruined, but the proverbial "blue screen of death" hits every 30 minutes or so. No big deal though. I need to upgrade to Windows XP anyway.

So the apartment across the hall from me is up for rent again. I gotta say, I am so happy I found this place! The rent is dirt cheap and, while the apartments are old, they're not dirty, rundown or shoddy. The unanimous opinion of my apartment has been "It has character", which I like! Anywho, I'm eager to see who my new neighbor will be. Of course I keep hoping for a gorgeous, single, young blonde to move in but ice cubes will have a fun vacation in hell before that happens. Jason has expressed an interest once again in moving out of his parents' house. He wants me to see about securing that apartment for him. And, as if it isn't cheap enough already, he thinks he might be able to get the landlady to knock the price down $50.

This afternoon Scott and I approved and submitted our bids for a $3 million+/3 year account. The competition is stiff but I get 1% commission on it if we win. It doesn't seem like much, but at that price, it's like an extra $800-900 per month for me! So obviously I'm probably going to lose sleep from the anxiety that this will surely cause!

On this glorious Thursday of Thursdays I'm a fan of blowing off new year's resolutions in the first week, learning more advanced HTML tricks and of course my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Blog fame!

2005-01-04T22:17:00.000-05:00

This morning I added a new blog to my list of "Suggested Readings". I've gathered that the author's name is Neil but please correct me if I'm wrong. Anywho, I posted a comment on one of his entries today and this evening he blogged about me!

Jon's To-Do List for Life
1. Marry Jennifer Aniston
2. ~~Get inducted into the Illuminati~~
3. Start an internet-based business trading annoying Canadian coins back to Canada for profitable items
4. ~~Aquire Alien Hominid for PlayStation II~~
---AND---
5. ~~Immortalize my name in a popular, amusing and universally outstanding piece of internet literature~~

3 out of 5 is pretty good for a 23-year-old! Now is anyone willing to knock off Brad Pitt for 20 bucks?

CHEERS!

Alien Hominid

2005-01-04T11:51:00.000-05:00

It is absolutely imperative that everyone reading this do two things:

1. Go to this site immediately!

2. Agree not to poke fun at my unexplainable sense of humor!

If Stitch (from the movie Lilo & Stitch) had a carnivorous cousin with a craving for chaos, then (alliteration aside) this guy would be it!

And, not to state the obvious, but, I love "Alien Hominid", my new flatscreen T.V. (I'm SO moving up in the world!) and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Helpy Helper!

2005-01-03T13:21:00.000-05:00

As of the publishing of this post, I have helped 4 people learn HTML and build customized websites! I think I deserve a little recognition so I will give myself some!
Posted by Hello

Conflict of interests

2005-01-02T23:28:00.000-05:00

On my way to finish my laundry tonight, I had a strange but interesting thought. Some of you who know me probably know that I have a tendency to try and live along the lines of the somewhat popular phrase "live each day as if it's your last.". Unfortunately, I am also a stickler about healthy eating, working out and getting the right amount of sleep. Is it just me or do these two concepts completely collide with each other? If you are nearly obsessed with being healthy, isn't that more like living each day as though you'll make it well past the average life expectancy?

So the question becomes; Should one live for the moment, or the future?

Anyone have any thoughts on this? (No political agendas please!)

Fan list later....

CHEERS!

snmrinoff siwtches?

2005-01-01T03:14:00.000-05:00

If I wanted sweveal differnt types of smirfoff (twisted) ya know, raspberry, waterfmeln. apples and whatever else, whoudl the peple at the store notice if you switch them out? Happy Birthday to me!

Um... I'm a fan of.. blowjobs, jon, and his outlawed mind. (:

-Jennnifer

Kentucky girls

2004-12-29T13:25:00.000-05:00

I've already called the moving company and I'm packing my belongings as we speak!
Posted by Hello

My first interactive post

2004-12-28T15:33:00.000-05:00

So today as I was browsing arround over at "SickSadLilWorld", I managed to come across an unusual but fascinating concept. In today's society, we have an odd inclination to use product brand names in place of the actual product name. A good example of this would be Velcro. Velcro is a brand. Hook and loop fastener is the product that Velcro is most known for. But although 3M, Scotch and other companies also make hook and loop fasteners, we almost always call the product "Velcro".

So today I challenge you, my loyal readers, to come up with more examples of this unusual "phenomenon" as they commonly occur in daily context. Post your contributed thoughts as a comment on this post.

So far we have:
> Kleenex (for facial tissue)
> Coke (for soda)
> Q-tips (for cotton swabs)
> Rolodex (for index file systems)
> Jell-O (for gelatin desserts)

And yes, I am aware that I think too much!

Quote of the day:
~ "On the first day, god created the earth...and he saw that it was good.
On the second day, god created man...and he saw that he was good.
On the third day, god created music...and he saw that this was good.
On the fourth day, god created the club...and the people started to move."
- Aquagen

I'm a big fan of hott doctors, Christmas bonuses and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

P.S. My blog is increasing in popularity! Thanks to all of my readers, new and old! Hope you are entertained!

Effective book... w00t!

2004-12-28T01:16:00.000-05:00

Well, here I find myself contributing to the blog. Just wanted to say THANKS for the "self-improvement" book (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...and It's All Small Stuff). To be honest, it is pretty good. 100 pages of self-improvement in 2 hours is pretty impressive on my end. I found something in the "Become Aware of Your Moods and Don't Allow Yourself to Be Fooled by the Low Ones" section that is basically the exact thing you tell me when I'm down on myself.

A low mood is not the time to analyze your life. To do so is emotional suicide.

I read that immediately thought about you, and everything you say to me. Anyway, just giving a public Thank You (although in section #8, "Do Something Nice for Someone Else--and Don't Tell Anyone About It," it says not to publicize things such as this.)

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

Oh, might as well put some plugs in for myself while I'm here...

Jennifer's Diary
Jen's Guestbook

Napoleon Dynamite

2004-12-27T13:56:00.000-05:00

My sister from Denver flew in for the holidays. I wish that there were words in the English language to describe her odd sense of humor. She brought one of her recent favorite movies with her. Napoleon Dynamite had a few oddly funny moments but overall was one of the most poorly made and utterly retarded movies I have ever had to watch! If you haven't seen it and you get the chance, schedule a root canal instead. It will be more amusing.

On a positive note however, I did learn through watching this movie that Hilary Duff has an older sister who is, in comparison to Hilary, not only unequivocally gorgeous, but unlike the younger Duff, she is legal!

Anyway, so a list of my more noteworthy Christmas hoardings:

~ Picture frames and imported items (clocks, etc.) for my new office
~ i-Robot and The Bourne Supremacy DVDs
~ European gourmet candies and chocolate
~ "It's Happy Bunny" T-shirt, framed postcard and 2005 calendar
~ A Brita water filtration system for my kitchen sink
~ Driving gloves to match my normal business attire
~ A Wal-Mart gift card for $150 (for a new TV)

And for my fan list today, "w00t!" for mulled wine, mushroom stamps and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

And the construction continues...

2004-12-24T20:15:00.000-05:00

Although I am operating under an "Under Construction" banner heading up my blog, I have been slacking on actually building the page lately. But that will be coming to a halt shortly.

I'm still learning about HTML and how to get free add-ons for my page. If anyone else is working on expanding their blog page, may I suggest this helpful site. If you already know about HTML code and placement, try this site out.

Feel free to IM or Email me if you'd like some beginner's assistance. I'm more than happy to help!

CHEERS!

A wonderful start to the holiday weekend...

2004-12-23T13:20:00.000-05:00

I just feel the need to bitch and moan a little real quick. You don't mind, do you? Thanks!

Some of you may know that I work as a high-level manager in the security industry. In the security business, holidays are prime time for big revenue since everyone needs extra security during shutdown or holiday vacation times when most people are off work. Well, in wonderful Indiana, we got over 16 inches of snow last night. I, being the fool that I am, was up until 3:30 AM this morning talking to a lady friend of mine. An hour later, the shit hit the fan.

At 12:30 AM this morning, I got a report that one of my fleet vehicles had died and wouldn't start back up. So I figured I could just have it towed in the morning. No problem.

At 4:30 AM, I got a phone call from my sister (who is working the holidays for me) trying to get a pair of shoes from my house that she left here weeks ago.

At 6:25 AM I got another call from one of my supervisors reporting that, due to the snow, he could not make it into work on time.

I lost track off all the phone calls at that point, but I do know that as of this very moment, I have had over a dozen call-offs, 3 supervisors called off, I now have 2 fleet vehicles with seized engines and a partridge in a pear tree (cliche!).

So I finally decide to try and brave the ridiculous traffic and driving conditions to get to my northside office around 8:00 AM. I decided to forego my morning shower since 15 minutes away from my phone would have caused a panic in the field. I threw on some warm street clothes and spent the following 20 minutes standing in a 2 foot snow drift attempting to dig my car out of the snow. Once the car was free from it's frozen grave, my neighbor's son pulled it out of the driveway and onto the road with his 4x4 truck. I finally got underway a little before 8:30.

We won't even go into detail about the drive. I did, however, find some amusement in the idea of sliding sideways on I-465 for several yards at a time as an effective means of traversing the highway!

I arrived at the office around 9:40 where I found that not only had my secretary failed to show up for work, but she had also neglected to call me and notify me of this fact. I called her shortly after getting settled and she goes "Oh yeah, well I can't even get my car out of my parking space in my apartment complex. I just figured we weren't working today 'cause of the snow!"

So, in short, I have 2 broken down vehicles, a dozen call-offs, holiday hours still left to cover, my feet are still soaked from standing in the snow bank, I stink and I'm the only one in the office to handle it all PLUS answer phones, make calls, set up schedules and hand out paychecks.

I wish this building had windows higher than the second floor! From that height, I'd only bounce off the parking lot!

But I'm positive enough to still add a fan list. And today it includes emergency brakes, nymphomaniacs (what else would I stay awake 'til 3AM for?) and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Happy Ramahanukwanzmas!

2004-12-23T10:40:00.000-05:00

"Merry Christmas" has apparently been deemed as politically incorrect this year. But "Happy Holidays" just sounds too formal. So I've decided to use the phrase "Happy Ramahanukwanzmas" instead. I hope no one minds!

CHEERS!

Colored with the paintbrush of mayhem

2004-12-17T15:57:00.000-05:00

Currently this is my favorite picture I have come across on the internet.
Posted by Hello

Another complaint

2004-12-17T13:32:00.000-05:00

I just realized that whenever I send someone a link through Instant Messenger and they immediately go "what's this?", I want to injure them severely! Why can't they just click the link and find out? It's not like I would send a virus or something! I mean I could understand if they were checking to ensure that the material in the link is work safe. But my social circle is generally comprised of unemployed losers or career college students! The ones that actually have jobs don't have the luxury of IMing while at work! I'm just special seeing as how I'm the boss at my office!

By the way, this link is excellent (and work safe...you bastards!)

CHEERS!

New things

2004-12-17T10:40:00.000-05:00

I just taught myself HTML (regarding web page building) in about 10 minutes. Well, the basics anyway. It is highly possible that I may be a genius!

Yesterday I bought my first ever business suit. A $350 Oscar De La Renta, 3-button jobbie. I must say, I had to fight the urge to do the "Bond...JAMES Bond!" monologue while looking at myself in the mirror!

I learned a lesson while shopping for the suit. Some people shop for high quality clothes at the mall or at outlets. Some people will fly (quite possibly on their own private jet) to Beverly Hills just to buy new shoelaces. I learned yesterday that you cannot enter a high quality store with the same casual habits, attitude and personality that you would display at, say, Wal-Mart. Storytime:

The woman who sold me the new suit was quite a bit older. A seasoned professional perhaps, but either way she successfully employed a sneaky-as-hell sales tactic that I fell for. And I could have easily caught her if I had checked the receipt before leaving. To match the suit, naturally I picked out 2 shirts and a tie for each. I started with 4 shirt options and narrowed it to 2. I started with about a dozen tie options and narrowed it to 2 as well. While building up to a dozen ties from which to choose, I failed to notice that each tie added to the selection pool magically jumped in price. Ultimately, I left the store with a new suit, 2 shirts and 1 regular necktie. The other tie was Italian and cost more than the 2 shirts combined. This woman was a genius. Or I'm just a complete sucker.

So today I dig the new Eggnog latte at Starbucks, late night visitors and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Wonderful advice

2004-12-15T14:29:00.000-05:00

Some of you may know that I have very strong opinions about marriage. I came across this small but excellent piece of advice today in another blog:

"Not that you asked...

Here's my best guess about how to ensure a long and loving marriage: marry up. Make sure that you find, court, and marry someone who you respect and look up to; someone who challenges you to be who you are called to be; someone who makes you wish that you were a better person; someone who you completely admire; someone honorable, generous, virtuous, and loving of others.

If at all possible, make sure your spouse marries up, too."

In other news, somebody's blog got hijacked today I see! I wish I was cool enough to have the tools to have been able to do this. Oh well, I'm over it!

CHEERS!

The world needs a pause button.....or TiVo!

2004-12-15T11:53:00.000-05:00

I had a very odd commute home last night.

While waiting to merge onto I-465 from North Keystone, I pulled up next to a white Honda Civic full of wiry-looking oriental women. I noticed the one in the backseat on my side. This lady bothered me. She had her face pressed against the window, finger up her nose digging for gold, COMPLETELY oblivious to 5 lanes of shoulder-to-shoulder rush hour traffic (aside from the fact that the windows weren't tinted or anything either!) I used to want to learn about foreign cultures. Maybe I'll just go shadow elementary-level special education teachers instead!

Later, near the 56th St. exit on I-465 South, I happened to glance over into the Northbound lanes just in time to see the hood from a car go flying about 10 feet up in the air. I couldn't tell where it had come from or where it landed due to the high concrete K-rail divider. I have seen the way that hoods attach to cars. What I witnessed was a feat to behold! I've always wanted to actually watch an accident happen. Damn K-rails!

Then on the exit ramp from I-465 to I-70 East, I looked to my right to see the sunset. The whole sky was bright purple and the last beams of light from the sun were (no joke) HOT PINK and orange in the center. Although the freaky and more noteworthy part was the cylindrical beam of neon pink light shooting straight up in perfect (albeit otherworldly) geometrical form from the center of a church roof. For an instant, I was totally creeped out.

Then a hottie in a Mercedes Benz passed me and oddly my attention span bottomed out!

As if these small instances of weirdness weren't astounding enough (I'm easily amused!), what happened to me this morning was nothing short of a miracle.

A cruel, ironic, unfair miracle.

The hot chick that I hired about 3 weeks ago magically disappeared last Saturday when she was supposed to work. Scott and I both tried calling her. No answer. We both left a message. Then yesterday I find out she's back to work as normal like nothing ever happened. Think again sweetie! So I was of course obliged to call her and suspend her until she came into my office to discuss her unreported absence from Saturday. I'm on such a power trip! Anyway, she said she would be here this morning. And boy was she! She showed up looking about as provocative as state law would allow. So I'm thinking she's gonna try and flaunt her way out of trouble. Fortunately I'm not quite shallow enough to allow this! We walked into my office for a closed-door meeting (this is standard procedure guys, I'm not that stupid!). The talking lasted for about 2 minutes before she realized she was losing the battle for which she had thought she was more than aptly armed.

I've never seen someone be more desperate to keep a lousy $9/hr job!

She turned the heat up like you wouldn't believe. As she walked over to my desk, crawled on top of it, tossed her long blond hair back and grabbed my tie, I literally pinched myself to check that I wasn't dreaming. This girl was, for all intents and purposes, unknowingly acting out every man's most viscerally carnal fantasies (Although I could be wrong about the "unknowingly" part). Theoretically, I was a porn star for about 60 seconds!

I fired her.

God damn I have willpower!

...wait!

Fuck!

A fan list? Piss on it today, I just want to get laid! Maybe later.

CHEERS!

The Kitsune theory

2004-12-14T18:48:00.000-05:00

Though they rarely caused mankind any serious harm,
these Japanese fox spirits known as kitsune
were well known for playing tricks on people
and could be a real nuisance. They possessed
the ability to transform into any creature,
though they would often retain their fox tail.
One could easily determine the age and level of
maturity of a kitsune by counting it's tails;
An immature, rambunctious kitsune would have
very few tails, while a wise and powerful one
would have as many as nine.

As a kitsune, you are clever, sensual, beautiful,
mysterious and effeminate (even if you are a
guy). You are also somewhat sneaky and like to
pull pranks on people, but otherwise you are
very pleasurable to be around.

Who is your inner Shapeshifter?
brought to you by Quizilla

Random thoughts

2004-12-14T13:16:00.000-05:00

Trans-Siberian Orchestra was on "Good Morning America" this morning. I wouldn't have caught it except that I was awakened by my subconscious this morning telling me that I had left my Nextel in the living room all night. At 6:00 AM, a sudden panic will effectively dismiss all hope of resuming sleep again. I didn't have to be at work until 10:00 this morning so I just lounged around the apartment all morning. I have felt rather unproductive all day as a result.

As I left work yesterday, I became aware of a sore feeling in my throat on the right side, as if maybe one tonsil but not the other had become swollen or something. I hoped it would go away by this morning. I think I need to see the doctor. This doesn't feel natural!

Why must there be a plethora of young and available "targets" in all the places I am not allowed to "hunt"?!?! Sometimes life is not only unfair, but cruelly ironic as well!

And I'm a total fan of "The Search for Love in Manhattan", procrastination and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Women translated

2004-12-13T15:24:00.000-05:00

We need...........I want
No, I am not upset.........Of course I am upset you moron
Go ahead, do what you want..........You will pay for this later you bastard!
We need to talk.......I need to complain
Look how nice the neighbor's yard looks.........Get off your fat ass and mow the lawn
The garbage man comes tomorrow..........Take out the trash dummy!
My hair looks terrible........I need fifty bucks for a perm
I need new shoes for the wedding........My other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
No I am not angry.......I am livid
This kitchen sure is small.......Buy me a new house
I don't want to talk about it.......Go away, I am still building up steam to unleash on you later!
I'll be ready in a minute.......Take your coat off and see if there's a football game on
Am I FAT........Tell me how beautiful I am
It's your decision.......Especially if you make the right one
Nothing is wrong.......Everything is wrong
Let's be romantic and turn out the lights.......I'm having a "fat day"
Not to change the subject, but.........I am changing the subject
How'd you like the tuna casserole.......If you didn't you better lie through your teeth
How much do you love me?.........Should I tell him I wrecked the car
Sure, sex would be nice...And just which particular month did you have in mind?
You're so manly.........You need a shave and you smell like a locker room
Yes, I know there are two sides to an argument.......Mine and the wrong one
Shopping isn't everything........But it sure beats the hell out of whatever's in second place.
I love you........I want something

CHEERS!

The Outlaw meets Faustus

2004-12-13T15:04:00.000-05:00

I ran across an amazingly inspiring and riveting (in my meager opinion) blog today. The author is a gay man in New York telling his stories of life, love and the lackluster of each. I find his witty writing style to be one of the most amusingly endearing pieces of electronic literature I have come across recently (perhaps a close second to HomeStarRunner!). Here is a link to his blog - - > http://searchforlove.blogspot.com

And for grins and giggles (especially for me once some of my more homophobic readers catch this post!), here is a sample post from his blog:

"Tuesday, April 16, 2002

So last Friday I went on a date with a guy named W.F. At least I think it was a date. It didn't end in sex, and in my hyper-sexualized state of existence, that threw me into a morass of uncertainty.We had lunch at Raffaela's and then we got dessert. He got up to look at the dessert display and came back and said, "I know what I want. It's this hexagonal tart that's part raspberry mousse and part chocolate." So he ordered that, and it came, and it was a regular, triangular piece of dessert.

This was my immediate thought: "That's not hexagonal. I can never love you. You don't even know basic shapes."

Then a second thought occurred to me and, pretending that I had to go to the bathroom, I got up and snuck over to the dessert case. Indeed, his dessert was only a slice of an originally hexagonal dessert. So I realized I could love him after all. Of course, it wasn't a tart, but I can forgive that.

Except--wait--it is just occurring to me that maybe he said not "tart" but "torte," which is what it actually was--in which case he is perfect and I love him.

Now I have to figure out if this was actually a date or not."

"Monday, February 11, 2002

Three days to Valentine’s Day. It’s a shame that we’ve forgotten the origins of Saint Valentine’s Day. In 269 A.D., by order of the prefect of Rome, Valentine was beaten with clubs and then beheaded. I think it would be appropriate for each of us to commemorate his day by selecting someone to beat with clubs and then behead.

I went to Tea & Sympathy (my new favorite place) in the west village with a date last week. I ordered the afternoon tea (which I highly recommend) and my date ordered the Welsh rabbit. When our food arrived, after we had eaten for a little while, I asked him “So how’s the Welsh rabbit?” He said, in a very cheerful tone, “Well, first of all, it’s Welsh rarebit, and it’s very good.”

This is not a person I need in my life.

First of all, anyone who insists that "rarebit" is preferable to “rabbit” is pretentious.Second of all, he is wrong. The Oxford English Dictionary lists 1725 as the first appearance in English of the term “Welsh rabbit,” almost certainly a borrowing from the French “lapin gallois”; not until 1785 does “Welsh rarebit” appear, probably as a “corrected” version of the name of a dish that has no rabbit in it.

Not that I have a thing about being right or anything.

And I wonder why I don’t have a boyfriend."

No fan list (aside from this guy's entertaining blog). I already did one today!

CHEERS!

Here we go again....

2004-12-13T09:50:00.000-05:00

I really wish that I did not get passionately involved in issues that really are meaningless. Call it bitterness, call it arrogance, hell call it a need for attention even if you want. I can't explain. I just know that sometimes people, events or even words just rub me the wrong way and before you know it I'm all up in the face of causality getting angrier by the minute. And so here I go again, sticking my nose into business that's not mine.

Once again, quotes for reference:

"I finally came to terms with something about myself this morning...I will always be the martyr. I used to hate this about myself. I used to hate the fact that I would stick my neck out for others, and never get it in return. But now I have finally resolved myself to the fact that that is just me......And while I never hoped to become as extreme with this as my mom, I will no longer hide from who it is I am. Jon used to refer to it as something like "Martyr Syndrome". Always finding that other people were more important than myself, yet in the same sentence, he also found it incredibly easy to call me selfish. Here's the thing. I have been hurt alot in my life. I never want to see someone else have to go through what I have endured."

You don't give a shit about people. You never have. You've admitted this. I feel sorry for the people in your life whom you were successful in fooling to believe that you are some kind of saint. You're not a saint. You're not a martyr. You're not even a friend. You're a good actress. Nothing more. Between Andis and I, it has become clear now that outsiders read our blogs. With this in mind, I only hope that someone will realize that an upstanding, intelligent and mature individual such as myself would not waste time in voicing opinions simply out of malice or childishness. Clearly I must have a justifiable (in some personal respect) reason to explain why you get under my skin. Simply put, it's because you're bullshit. And not only do you believe that others see "the real and wonderful you", but you believe that this image of you actually exists. Don't get me wrong, I am just as concerned about your own downfall that you will undoubtedly cause unto yourself. But you probably won't even read this (I guess if I really cared then I would send an email or something, but the truth is, this blog is the place where my thoughts spill over. It is not meant to be a battle ground or a medium for righting the wrong.)Before I am accused of not knowing what is happening in your life anymore, let's just go with what was last known. "Mr. Trim Life" as I will call him, live-in girlfriend notwithstanding, toys with you for one reason. You're not stupid (yes I said that!). You know that you're playing with fire. He has a g/f, yet he pursues you. It should be left alone. Unfaithful is unfaithful no matter who you are. Same goes for "Dr. Married". It should be left alone. Every person that "believes in you or your goodness" is seeking something from you. You allow yourself to be used. You allow yourself to be controlled. You don't see it, but they do. You've never been enough on your own. You thought that having "party friends" would fix you. It won't. You cannot cut ties with the familiar. You cannot build anything for yourself or on your own. Why do you think I have always doubted your survival ability in New York City. Dreams are great. But you have to have the tools to make them reality. You can't do this. Enter the "Martyr Syndrome". You practice pep talking and aiding others to build these tools to be applied to yourself. However, you continually fail at this, and thus lose the drive to continue their support (if there's nothing in it for you, it's no longer worthwhile; yet another fact you have admitted to). Enter your selfishness in relation to the "Martyr Syndrome". All in all, I guess I should just be happy that I will never again be subject to your PorN (acronym for Psychoses or Neuroses). Although I am sated in knowing that I, out of everyone in your life, have the most right to speak my mind on these subjects. Second only to your sister, I have been around longer than anyone. And she can't stand you either, most of the time. Although you manage to blame it on her. I should just quit now!

Why do I even waste my time!

I love Donatos pizza (Poor Scott, you sheltered fool!), "Wizards in Winter" and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Christmas Eve

2004-12-12T21:50:00.000-05:00

IN AN OLD CITY BAR
THAT IS NEVER TOO FAR
FROM THE PLACES THAT GATHER
THE DREAMS THAT HAVE BEEN

IN THE SAFETY OF NIGHT
WITH IT'S OLD NEON LIGHT
IT BECKONS TO STRANGERS
AND THEY ALWAYS COME IN

AND THE SNOW IT WAS FALLING
THE NEON WAS CALLING
THE MUSIC WAS LOW
AND THE NIGHT CHRISTMAS EVE

AND HERE WAS THE DANGER
THAT EVEN WITH STRANGERS
INSIDE OF THIS NIGHT
IT WAS EASIER TO BELIEVE

FOR IT WAS INTO THIS BAR
THAT I HAPPENED TO WANDER
TO STARE INTO A GLASS
AND MY UNIVERSE PONDER

SO I WALKED UP TO THE COUNTER
SHOOK THE SNOW OFF MY COAT
THEN I ORDERED A WHISKEY
THAT I USED LIKE A MOAT

BUT AN OLD MAN SOON JOINED ME
AND ASKED IF I KNEW THE TIME
ONE WORD LED TO ANOTHER
AND SOMEHOW I DIDN'T MIND

THEN HE OFFERED A DRINK
FROM A BOTTLE 'NEATH HIS COAT
AND HE SMILED A LITTLE SMILE
AS IT TRICKLED DOWN MY THROAT

AND I FELT MYSELF RELAXING HERE
AMONG THE GHOSTS THAT FAILED
THEN THE OLD MAN TOPPED MY GLASS OFF
AND BEGAN A LITTLE TALE

IN THE MOMENTS OF OUR LIVES
BOTH THE JOYOUS AND THE TRAGIC
IF THE TRUTH IS TO BE TOLD
WE ARE ALL PURSUING MAGIC

AND THE MAGIC THAT WE SEEK
AS WE'RE SURE YOU HAVE DISCOVERED
CAN BE FOUND IN CERTAIN PLACES
FAR MORE EASILY THAN OTHERS

IN THE SAND BENEATH THE SPHINX
IN THE DREAMS OF CANDLELIGHT
BUT THE SUREST PLACE OF ALL
IS IN THE FORGIVING WORLD OF NIGHT

AND OF ALL THE NIGHTS THROUGHOUT THE YEAR
THAT COME AND GENTLY LEAVE
NONE HOLD THE DREAM OF MAGIC
LIKE THE EVENING, CHRISTMAS EVE

To be continued.....

Big weekend

2004-12-10T14:49:00.000-05:00

I'd like to start off by saying that I got more kudos from the bossman again today! Yes, I am the shit! Please hold your applause and just throw money!

Anywho, I have a big weekend planned. Leaving work early today (apparently that's the common standard for Fridays at the office!), then heading to Greenwood to drink some beer and hang out with Greg and Justin. Then it's off to the comedy club at 10 tonight. Tomorrow I have dinner at Avon's house before he gets deployed Monday (not long now!!!) and then off to Dayton on Sunday. Busy, busy!

So I got my first RFP Monday and had my first pre-proposal bid conference yesterday. Eight competing companies (including Initial) were there competing for a 1,264 hour/week account! It was nerve-racking for me! A room full of experience and business talent wrapped in silk and wool suits! People think that the security business is a joke! Yeah right! This is going to be a huge battle. And as competitive as the Indianapolis market is, Scott and I are going to have our hands full!

I am a recent addict of www.homestarrunner.com. Check it out! Strong Bad Emails are especially funny! I realize that most of you don't share my unique sense of humor. Oh well. I find it hysterical.

Sorry for the short and relatively low impact entry today! Not too much on my mind lately outside of work and "her"! But more entries soon to come I'm sure!

And I seriously love home-wrecking bitches, "The Cheat" and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

The Axe Effect

2004-12-08T19:19:00.000-05:00

Some of you may be familiar with my interesting yet sad sexual history! Well everything that I ever knew about intimacy came to a screeching halt last night. In short, I had one of the most amazing, erotic and satisfying (emotionally AND physcially) sexual encounters last night with a certain young woman who shall remain nameless (even though she doesn't read my journal!). I've known her for quite awhile, we've both known that we sort of had a thing for each other (her longer than me I learned) and we don't see each other very often at all. We talk on the phone sporadically and that about sums up our relationship.

Last night, I treated my friend John (who is Iraq-bound this coming Monday) to dinner and drinks at Hooters! I know a few of the waitresses there and "my girl" came along as well. Long story made short, we had several beers at Hooters, the night then proceeded to John's house where we played some drinking games and then I drove "my girl" back to Greenfield. We were both buzzin' fairly well but not drunk. Anywho, she had dropped hints all night that she didn't want to go home that night and would rather stay with me instead. We made it home around 11:00 PM. I made it to sleep around 2:30 AM. For 3 hours I was lost in this girl. I don't have the words to describe it right off hand, but it was amazing. I sat at my desk today at work completely unproductive. I could not force my mind to focus on anything but her. Her smile, her laugh......yes I am aware that I sound like a smut-novel or something. Oh fucking well! It's worth it!

And may I add a sidenote here....Axe body spray is the shit! Have you heard of "the axe effect"? It's the coined phrase now used to describe the theoretical onslaught of women that you will encounter while wearing Axe body spray. It works! I've been using this stuff for a week.....and everyday it gets noticed! And not just a casual, "hey you smell good".....more like they grab your shirt and climb onto you and bury their face in your neck practically!!! Great stuff. I wear Tsunami if anyone wants the recommendation!

And for Hump Day, I love Strong-Bad Emails, "women with a plan"! and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

The fan list post

2004-12-05T17:35:00.000-05:00

So everyone has undoubtedly by now realized that I close 95% of my posts with what I call my "fan list". It's a list of 3 things that I really like, one of which is always "my outlawed mind" (of course!). Sometimes it's sarcastic, sometimes it's purpose-driven, sometimes it's just for fun but it's always there as my signature trend in almost all of my posts. So I figured it's time to make a post dedicated to my fan list. So here's an expanded version.

I love...

1. My job!

2. Axe Tsunami body spray

3. Homemade potato chips at Shallo's

4. Cheap wine

5. Women with accents

6. Thunderstorms

7. Hoodies

8. People who mimic or copy after me (imitation is the highest form of flattery after all!)

9. Motorcycles (or speed in general)

10. Knowing that I am successful

11. Pictures on FunnyJunk.com

12. Cold weather

13. Big asses!

14. "It's Happy Bunny"

15. Jennifer Aniston

16. Road trips

17. "Get that bitch a sammich!"

18. Getting "shmammied!"

19. Jenny's hormones!

20. My Outlawed Mind!!!

CHEERS!

What if we had picked Ryan Leaf?

2004-12-05T17:27:00.000-05:00

Ya know, I found myself marveling at the Colts' unusual talent. For the past 3 years we have been in a rut where we start off mediocre, and then if we haven't been too intimidated by halftime, we come back strong in the second half! Where's the f*ckin' confidence? Where's the drive? And even through this messed up phenomenon, we have managed to cultivate several all-star players. Marcus Pollard, Reggie Wayne, Brandon Stokely, David Thornton and of course our homegrown legend Peyton Manning! So the question becomes.....Is it the club itself, or the players that make us so great? Cuz I can't help but wonder if Ryan Leaf would have turned out to be a stellar athlete with our help!

Who knows!

CHEERS!

What makes a Fuckhead?

2004-12-02T21:34:00.000-05:00

Ever since the dawn of time, humankind has been divided into two camps: Those who were welcome in the camps, and those who weren't. Stanley Kubrick's film classic 2001: A Space Odyssey best depicts this early schism in human ancestors: At the side of the communal water stream, the social apes whacked the antisocial apes over the head with bones.
Over time, religious tradition, social science, and human evolution have recognized the basic division of mankind into social and antisocial camps. The antisocial have been shunned, excommunicated, pressed into exile, and even hunted as the social group has forced the antisocial from its camps, cities, and homes.
Now, with the advent of the Internet as a force in pop culture, this schism has not only survived, but become stronger and more readily acknowledged.

They are called Fuckheads.

But what makes a person a Fuckhead? A Fuckhead is a person who, through the pattern of repeated behavior when dealing with others, demonstrates certain characteristics and a repeated inability or unwillingness to change or modify his/her behavior to conform to the social code of conduct.

These are the characteristics that make the Fuckhead:

A Fuckhead Must Have An Exaggerated Sense of His/Her Own Importance

The Fuckhead will come to the table insuperably convinced of his/her own correctness and of his/her immediacy in any debate or discussion. For example, the non-Fuckhead will join a discussion cautiously, reading over the prior correspondance and offering an opinion thoughtfully. The Fuckhead will come plowing in without regard to the established parameters of the debate and without regard to the existing participants.
The Fuckhead, when challenged, will then state some fantastic-sounding credentials to justify and bolster the strong opinion. When challenged further, the Fuckhead will usually display anger and refuse to further substantiate the presented credentials, some sort of "I already said so, and that should be good enough for you!"
At this point the Fuckhead has demonstrated an exaggerated sense of his/her own importance: He/she has presented an overriding opinion which, in the Fuckhead's mind, should be definitive and cease all debate, and the Fuckhead will be unable to understand why the other participants will not accept his/her opinion on sight. To The Fuckhead, the focus should always be on them. If it's important to them, it should be important, accepted and understood by everyone around them.

A Fuckhead Must Refuse to Abide By Common Social Standards

One of the most common traits of the Fuckhead is the absolute refusal to follow common social standards. Fuckheads will frequently use a persecution defense when they are asked to cease their behavior. They may claim that they are being singled out because of their unpopular viewpoints, or that they are victimized by the nebulous "political correctness" movement. These claims attempt to avoid the obvious cause of the challenge, which is the antisocial behavior itself, by demonizing the reaction to the behavior.

The Fuckhead's refusal to abide by common social standards is therefore manifested. In the early chapters of history, such refusal to abide by the rules of the group would lead one to be unwelcome by the fire, or to be tarred and feathered. Now, though, it is just one more characteristic in the profile of the Fuckhead.

A Fuckhead Must Keep Coming Back Without Mending His/Her Ways

"Don't you ever learn?" This question is one of the most frequently asked of wayward children or oft-injured adults. But when asked of the Fuckhead, the answer is always, "No." The Fuckhead does not learn.
"Why must you come where you're not wanted?" This question has been asked of the socially deviant and challenged since the dawn of time. Yet the Fuckhead will keep coming back, over and over again. The fuckhead loves conflict. The Fuckhead will defend his or her inflexibility by saying, "I have every right to my opinion," and "I have every right to participate in this discussion." But the Fuckhead will find that other participants, who do not appreciate the Fuckhead's presence or contributions, will make use of tools ranging from the silent treatment to all out malicious attacks.

You can count on the Fuckhead to shriek "Censorship!" when you tune out their input. You can count on the Fuckhead saying rude things about you when he/she is sure you're no longer listening. But it will never occur to the Fuckhead to approach topics and people differently, and never, ever occur to the Fuckhead to avoid venues where the atmosphere is unfriendly. It onl;y makes sense to avoid sinners if you're a christian. Or to steer clear of conversations involving sex if you prefer to be excluded from participation. This inability to exit gracefully is a distinguishing mark of a Fuckhead. In this sense, Fuckheads are commonly referred to as "no fun".

A Fuckhead Will Change His/Her Beliefs To Suit The Situation

Fuckheads are dedicated to one cause; furtherance of self. And they are committed to only one opinion; superiority of self. All other causes and opinions are secondary to the Fuckhead. The non-Fuckhead may change his/her opinions from time to time, or support or abandon causes throughout life, these changes usually come about when new information is learned, or when circumstances change. The Fuckhead, however, changes opinions and causes as readily as a non-Fuckhead might change shirts.
A good example of this change of opinion has been shown by a recently notorious blogger. When it suits them, they are the model christian soldier spreading the word of christ. Conversely, when it suits them, they are a sinner, powerless and careless in the face of temptation. Rational people may agree to disagree, but the Fuckhead's limited focus and lack of loyalty allows the Fuckhead to fight with friends and agree with foes so readily that there is almost no constant distinction between the two. But this changeability makes the individual an unworthy foe and an untrustworthy ally -- and hence, a Fuckhead.

What Makes a Fuckhead?

The Fuckhead may display all of these characteristics, or some of them, or only one. Some may love a Fuckhead like a brother, some may think their brother is a Fuckhead. What is incontrovertible is that for all of humanity, there are people that you would do anything to get rid of, and those people, throughout history, are the Fuckheads.

CHEERS!

True confessions of the working man

2004-11-30T13:37:00.000-05:00

Is it still considered work if you're actually having fun?

I came in this morning at 9 instead of 8. Hell I could have come in at noon if I wanted. I walked in an hour late (technically) and what does my boss do? Sits down in my office and tells me how impressed he is with me and how I am making much more progress than he gave me credit for when he hired me. Of course I am! That's what I do! Hehe! Of course I was humble about it, but I did manage to throw in a "don't forget about me when it's time to hand out Christmas bonuses!" Life is good!

Gotta fire my first employee today. A supervisor, no less. And he's 61 years old. I've never met him. A 23 year old reading the riot act to someone 3 times my age. He'll love that! Oh well. I wasn't going to fire him because I was afraid my manager would think I was being too harsh. But he came in and told me that it was my decision and he would back me up on whatever I decided to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not excited about firing this guy. I'm actually nervous. I'm sure I'll get a "young whipper-snapper" lecture. But the guy violated a major company policy AND he's a supervisor! Bad example!

Anyway, so life is grand, work is fun and I get to see Emily tonight! I may leave work early! I am the master of my universe! It's good to be me!

And I am totally a fan of Jennifer & Chad, Laura & Rich and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

The lighter side....

2004-11-29T15:24:00.000-05:00

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

The top 10 Viagra marketing slogans:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, p ositively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis.... This is your penis on drugs.

Penis requests a raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

Hehe CHEERS!

Revised cast list

2004-11-29T15:11:00.000-05:00

So taking a cue from the lovely Jennifer Graham, I have decided to update my cast list. Here we go:

Jennifer: Jenny (as I call her) is one of the most intellectual girls I know! She has an amazing personality and is one of the few people in my life that I can talk to for hours. She is under a lot of stress right now and I am afraid that our interactions are going to follow suit with her bad moods lately, but I hope not! Jon loves his busty six year old! (Jennifer was already introduced once but she required an update!)

Scott: He's my boss at work. He's totally cool. Very down to earth yet business-minded. Between him as District Manager and me as Operations Manager, this branch is gonna shock the indianapolis security market by the end of 1st quarter '05! Stay tuned for more!

Tom: One of my officers. A young guy with a passion for law enforcement like me. He doesn't know it yet, but I'm about to promote him to supervisor already. He hasn't even been on my payroll a week yet!

Emily: Emily and I dated for about 3 months back in Spring of this year. We were really good together, but she's a few years younger than me so we ended up splitting up because we were simply at 2 totally different stages of life. She has a b/f now but she's still crazy about me. Another love triangle is not what I need but I'm doing my best to keep her on track!

That's it for now. More introductions will come as needed!

I love my Dymo labelmaker (I've labeled everything in my office almost!), Computer Renaissance and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

"Releasing"

2004-11-29T11:22:00.000-05:00

OK. Time to rethink things a tad. After careful review of the blogger.com terms of service, I quickly decided to take down the former entry that occupied this spot. However, since some of you got the chance to see it (If you didn't just send me an email!), I DID get threatened with legal action. Didn't even take an hour! But no matter. I got my point across and my journal is not going to be in jeopardy. So all is well.

The text message I received shortly after publication of the original "Releasing" went something like this.

"I suggest u take yours & the whore's slander about off your blog immediately. u sunk 2 low & i WILL stand up 2 scum like u!"

Knowing her the way I do, that meant she was going to stop at nothing to have the last word, so rather than cause myself the headache, I decided to just give in. Besides, it's all in good fun!

I did correct her use of the term slander. In print it's actually libel. Here is a link to a website that will show that she wouldn't have had a case against me anyway if she decided to try and take it to legal matters. http://www.cyberlibel.com/libel.html

Anyway, what's done is done and I have work to do so I must be going now.

LONG LIVE THE FEMINAZI!!!!

CHEERS!

P.S. You've already begun the cheap shots in retaliation to my post. I apologize if you feel that you were wronged. Sadly, you have agreed with several of the points I made on many occasions while begging for my friendship back. Oh well. But, all joking aside, if you make one more comment like "Well you can't even do algebra!", I WILL turn your life upside down. You know that I can. We have discussed too many ways that I could just ruin you. I am going to propose that we call a truce, once and for all. I want nothing to do with you and I am sure that now you want nothing to do with me. How convenient! So I'll behave so long as you drop it. If I get so much as one obscene phone call in the middle of the night, one more belittling remark, one flat tire or any other reason to believe that you are attemptinig in any way to exact your own revenge, all bets are off. You may pride yourself on outsmarting many, but you won't get anything over on me. Trust me, you're safest bet is to let it go and call it a day. It won't kill you! Besides, part of you knows that you had this coming. You've said it yourself: you can only bottle shit up for so long before it comes flying out! It's over and done with. You know you deserved a tongue-lashing. Mark this up as such and move on. Come after me, and there will be hell to pay! You've been warned! Unnecessarily, I hope!

Thanksgiving in review

2004-11-26T09:18:00.000-05:00

There are definitely several different kinds of family. Today I sit here, not really sure what day it is, not really sure what time it is and not really sure how much sleep I've had over the course of the past 36 hours. But that doesn't matter. Some would call me an overachiever. Some would call me unnecessarily dedicated when it comes to my job (especially when I'm still new to it). In the past 36 hours I have worked 2 job sites, given 3 rides to/from work and paid one of my officers $35 for cab fare to get home at 1:30 AM when his car broke down in Greenwood. I didn't see my family at all yesterday. All I had were my employees basically. And the only sense of family I had was the teamwork they displayed when they all pulled together to cover over 150 hours worth of holiday work with only half the manpower available to handle that kind of workload. I'm sure no one really cares about or understands the kind of dedication it takes to work 40 hours of security in under three days for a measly $9/hr on and around THANKSGIVING, no less. But I can't count the number of people who did it for me. And they did it because I was down there "in the dirt" with them, leading by example. No one may see that as a big deal. Some may think I'm just bragging, but the truth is, I'm proud of myself for being the kind of leader that I always wished I could have worked for when I was an underling, so to speak. And I know that it will be rewarding in the end because after only a week and a half trying to fill the shoes of my predecessor with whom most of my officers had an admirable rapport, I have earned just as much if not more professional respect from them as he did in 9 years! Oh yeah and my boss is rather impressed as well! :)

Anyway, I would like to show my thankfullness to a few people who have recently had an impact on me. Some people may feel that they were left out when they see that their name was not included, so, that said, I'm going to offer a catch-all "thank you" to all my friends and family ahead of time. Although I may not have time to write a full custom expression just for each of you, I am just as thankful for each of you as well.

Emily: While our time together was short-lived and ill-timed, she has not forgotten me. While I may unintentionally exaggerate this, she recently confessed to me that over the past several months, she has suffered quietly without me in her life. For all she knew, I could have been dating someone, engaged or even married by now, but she still held a place for me in her heart all this time. Many may never know how good it feels to be missed, loved or sincerely remembered even when you are completely absent. But this is the first time that I have had it happen to me. And I can't describe how important and special it makes you feel! I'm meeting her later today after she gets off work. I'm seriously looking forward to it!

Avon: I never thought twice about how lucky I was that I never got one of those phone calls that began with "Hey man, just wanted to let you know I'm leaving for Iraq!". That was until I got one! "Avon" John Lyndsey is a forward observer in the Army Reserves I believe. Could be the National Guard but I'm not in the military so I get those two confused a lot. Forward observers are the guys way up front who are the first to locate the enemy and give away their position. Needless to say, the crosshairs find their way to these guys first. Am I afraid for John? Sure I am. Not to belittle his sense of patriotism, courage or even manliness. He takes extreme pride in his military duty. I recall the time he came upon an off-duty military officer wearing his BDU hat backwards if I remember correctly. John didn't hesitate to approach the officer, apologize in advance for the confrontation, and correct his disrespect of the military uniform. If he is scared, you'd never know it. "You gotta do what you gotta do.", he would say about being called up for deployment. An admirable and dedicated soldier even in my non-military opinion. But beyond that, he is also a more-than-respectable family man. With an ill wife, 3 year-old daughter, outrageous medical bills and a 60+ hour per week painting business to run, he doesn't even realize what an inspiration he surely is (or SHOULD be) to those who know him well. A role model among husbands. A leader among fathers. A hero among men! I am proud to call this man my friend and I wish him well overseas. Fight like I know you will! But come home safe to us all! God speed!

On a lighter note - Deanndra: She simply MUST be mentioned here because she got Dave Smiley to call me this morning! Totally made my day! Yes, I am aware that I am a dork. But he is practically the most amusing radio morning show host that I have heard! It was awesome! Thanks Dee Dee!!!!!

And for today's fan list, I love Superfat Mikey (yes I know he's not on the Smiley show, but he's such a tool!!!), the PA speaker on my company car (as long as Jason doesn't get ahold of it in the middle of downtown Greenfield!) and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Reflections from the podium of life

2004-11-21T20:12:00.000-05:00

Today I finished my new office. Mike is the guy that I replaced as the Operations Manager at my new company. He was there for 9 years and in that 9 years I don't believe he ever cleaned his office ONCE! It was atrocious! Regardless, I spent several hours yesterday and today cleaning, sorting through old papers and equipment, vacuuming, buying new furniture and supplies and putting my new office together from scratch. And today I had a revelation......

This afternoon I stood in the doorway of my office....and I looked at the final product I had achieved after 14+ hours of literal labor and a large chunk of hard-earned money ($228).........where the money is concerned, it was well worth it to me, but more importantly..............

I realized at that moment that I wasn't looking at the finished product of 14 hrs of sweat over 2 days......I was looking at the end result of over 17 months of pain-staking determination, strong will, and perserverance putting up with a boss I loathed, and a job I was overqualified and underpaid for.....and the whole time I always said that the reason I continued to put myself through it was because I was building my resume and qualifications so that someday, later on, I could really make something of myself to be proud of (and let's not mention all the frustration I endured through college for my degree that also played a hand in getting me this job!) And looking back now; take away my new salary, the company cell phone, the company car, the new office......and all you're left with is a 23 year old rookie who struggled his way thru 5 WHOLE YEARS beating out temptation, emotional hardship and broken will to finally reach a goal and accomplish a dream!

Sadly, this brings me to a whole 'nuther point. I got into a fight with Lori again today. She can't seem to understand why my father won't fund her unnecessarily extravagant social life. She is a victim of my parents' incessant spoiling. She has played my mother against my father for as long as I can remember to get her way, which became even easier after their divorce three years ago. Fortunately, my parents have finally decided to join forces and fight my sister's financial dependence on a unified front. UNfortunately, it is my belief that they waited too long and that my sister's outlook on money and financial life may have been painted with an irreversible brush.

Later on in the evening, I had a conversation with Jennifer in which she confessed her lacking will against her parents who (remember that she is still a teenager) become more and more overbearing and suffocating each day. Jen is very talented, gifted and just a generally all-around good person with enough potential for 3 people! But unfortunately, I found myself scared to death that all of her talents will be wasted as she slowly succumbs to the inevitable difficulties that her parents will cause. By the time she realizes that they weren't really the evil, unloving fiends that she now mistakes them for, it will be too late!

And again, this only led me to thoughts of other friends who have battled life's "phantom" challenges and lost, sometimes repeatedly. Jason and his financial battles.......Deanndra and her numerous struggles with friends, the military, her family and even herself.........Laura and her struggles with relationships........

And after all that, the bottomline is, I know how good it feels to beat the odds......it was hard (REALLY HARD!!!) most of the time when I went through broken relationships, bad spending habits, shitty jobs, horrible friends, slave-driving parents and a world that just seemed to want me gone.......but I made it and looking back now, it doesn't seem anymore that the road was that long or that hard. But so far I've been left with nothing but the fear that I'll always be the only one standing on the podium for a long time and I don't want that! I want the people that I love to be up here with me. But my outlawed mind just doesn't take well with others and most people just don't/can't/won't listen to or understand me!

I think that's enough drama for today. I hope that maybe this little rant achieves some bit of inspiration somewhere, somehow. But hope is the only thing I have to hold onto sometimes, and I haven't let go yet!

And tonight I love my broken family, my so-called "lost" friends and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Long overdue

2004-11-20T23:01:00.000-05:00

Ok everyone can get off my case now about not updating my journal often enough for their entertainment needs! I know this seems like a pitiful excuse but the biggest reason that I haven't been updating lately is because I have been off work for quite awhile and that means I haven't been stuck in front of a computer for awhile. I have internet at home but it's dialup (until next Wednesday) and dialup is the devil! So enough excuses......

I started my new job finally! My boss is awesome! The job is great! I have a lot of freedom, authority, influence and the best part.......I have an amazingly huge office! Of course I will be taking a couple of pictures soon just so a few select individuals who have requested them may see my new corner office kingdom! Ironically I just spent over 10 hours today cleaning my kingdom and repairing my boss' computer that crashed on Thursday! 3 1/2 hours of file copying.....from MS DOS no less! I need a vacation ALREADY! Hehe!

I'm not going to get too far into this entry tonight. I'm dead tired and there is Pizza Hut calling my name! But starting Monday, I should be back to making regular entries once again so everyone be patient (see that rope? Yes that was meant for you! Yes you! You know who you are!) So until then, I'm going to try and salvage the remainder of my weekend.

And I love my new office (OF COURSE!), my occasional starbucks rendezvous' with my protege and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Bump & Grind "art"work

2004-11-07T18:26:00.000-05:00

This piece of art is just one example of the crazy atmosphere at The Bump & Grind. Most of it was at least R-rated!

The Bump & Grind drag queens

2004-11-07T18:21:00.000-05:00

The guy in the purple on the left shook his cock 'n' balls in my face during a little birthday dance I received from these guys, courtesy of my sister and her friend Wendi! The dude in the red boots planted a kiss on my cheek as well! This place is wicked!

The Bump & Grind and the Berkeley dog park

2004-11-07T18:11:00.000-05:00

Last night Crystal informed me that we would be getting up early today (like 10:00ish) to go to brunch. I had a couple drinks and hit the sheets around 2 AM. I woke up this morning at quarter til 10 when Tucker decided to launch a plastic tumbler off the coffee table with his uncontrollable tail which blasted me square in the face. Thanks dog! Anyway, I rolled around for awhile until Crystal decided it was time to go. On the way to brunch Crystal hesitantly informs me that we were heading for a place called The Bump & Grind for an event called Pettycoat Bruncheon. She explained that it was a weekly thing where brunch would be served by men dressed in drag. She was afraid I would be shocked at this so she warned me ahead of time. I was a little nervous about it but it died by the time we arrived. The whole thing was actually extremely humorous. We met up with Crystal's friends Ross and Wendi who both also work at The Fillmore. We went in and sat down next to a huge mirrored wall. The daily specials were clever entrees with catchy titles like Camel Tofu, Jackoff Special and a roast beef sandwich they endearingly named Sexy Beast! I was blown away already. Then comes our food. Ross, Crystal and I all ordered the Cheesy Strada which was a cheddar, sausage and biscuit layer dish but we were all dissappointed when we were informed that they were out of this entree. So instead we all ordered the Shady Rest which was basically biscuits and gravy with smoked sausage and the biscuits were made with scallions and cheddar. When the food came, Crystal tells us that the gravy was the same that they use in the Cheesy Strada. This left me with the following declaration: The only thing worse than hearing that they have run out of Strongbow Cider at The Claddagh Irish Pub is finding out that they have run out of Cheesy Strada at The Bump & Grind Pettycoat Bruncheon! Anyway, the "gravy" was much more like alfredo sauce. Either way, it was amazing! Then Wendi and Crystal manage to inform the wait staff that I am a birthday boy. Next thing I know I have two drag queens softly singing Happy Birthday to me in my ear and rubbing their asses, fake boobs and yes even shaking their bare junk in my face!!!! I was floored! I was laughing hysterically and so were the other 30 or so people in the place! I really had no clue how to react initially, but it all ended up being funny in the end. Today proved to me that I am much more secure with my sexuality than I ever thought I was! I even asked a few of the "waitresses" to pose for a photo with me after our meal! As we left, Somehow I had a triumphant confidence that I had never experienced before. When your limits are pushed, you really get a chance to test your mettle. Next time someone figures me for a homosexual, I will remember this place and just laugh to myself. Too bad more people will never experience the personal freedom you get from being put into a seemingly extreme situation like that and coming out emotionally and mentally unscathed! Although coming out physically unscathed may be a slightly different story!

After my brush with emotional death and drag queen penis, we headed to the Berkeley dog park. This is just a normal city park but with a huge fenced area where dogs can run free. There were about 25 dogs there. Tucker had a blast. Not much to mention about this place except for the mishap where Tucker and a Pit Bull ran a guy over. Literally! We didn't spend much time there!

We're going to a nice upscale restaurant tonight called The Denver Chophouse. I'll probably be including the details of this in tomorrow's entry!

Minor mentions: The dryness out here is so bad I have had nosebleeds everyday so far, I learned to play Texas Hold'em by watching Celebrity Poker today and my investigation into Jason's college hardships has been completed. Full report tomorrow if I have time!

And of course, I love the Total Gym, "going commando" and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Denver

2004-11-06T23:00:00.000-05:00

It has been over 3 years since I've been out here to visit my sister. I missed her and this city. It's gorgeous and the people are amazing! After I got off the plane, I took my first subway ride to the main airport terminal! Crystal and I had a long talk on the way to The Fillmore Auditorium where she works. We discussed my nervousness about visiting her. It was a rather emotional discussion but I left with some reassurance that she still loves me as her brother and her bitterness towards me won't change that. But I'm still a little ways from getting past that hurdle completely. She is too. She has always been one of my biggest role models. She taught me multiplication when I was a kid, she brought me out of a lot of my closed-minded views towards life and her example has helped mold me into who and what I am today. I love my sister unconditionally and I hope that one day we'll be able to put the bitterness in the past and be more than just brother and sister. I really want to be her friend!

We got to The Fillmore where she works in accounting. I met a ton of her co-workers and friends. They are all mostly very funny and outgoing. I felt very accepted all night. And I met about 4-5 gay men and a few gay women as well. Very interesting people. I don't have the words to explain how interesting the night was! I was promptly presented with an All Access pass for the Social Distortion concert that was going on and I got free drinks all night. I was told that my pass was very rare and would've granted me access to the stage itself right next to the guitarist if I wanted! I was a true VIP last night and I felt like it the whole time! This place is amazing. The city, the people, the lifestyles.....it's a true culture shock! And I honestly don't want to leave!

I'm pressed for time today so I have to skip my usual elaborations for now. Today Crystal and I have spent the whole day so far laying around, watching movies and stuffing our faces. Next on the evening's agenda: take-out food and raiding her well-stocked bar! She's a certified bartender by the way! Oh and if you should find yoursaelf in a situation where this info would be useful, in this region of the country, the altitude has nasty effects on your alcohol tolerance and speed to intoxication. And you can't skimp on drinking plenty of fluids, ESPECIALLY when you've been drinking and/or smoking. Us midwesterners will shrivel into nothing in NO TIME here due to the extreme humidity difference. They have almost none! So consider yourselves warned!

Minor mentions for Saturday: Crystal's roommate has a really cool dog named Tucker and we're fast becoming friends and Laura called and broke the news this afternoon that she is dating Rich, a guy who I very highly approve of and I cannot express how happy I am for them both!

And today I love eyedrops, Brita-filtered water and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

The flight

2004-11-06T22:49:00.000-05:00

I took my laptop with me figuring I could write a little of an entry about my flight. It's a day late, but I didn't have an internet connection until today. Oh and I was almost late to the airport too! I planned to wake up at 9:30 Friday morning but I overslept until 11:00, still had to get a haircut and had to be at the airport by 1:00 (45 minute drive). The flight was scheduled to take off at 2:15. Not a good start to the day, especially after I discovered that my flight itinerary number ended in 666! Anyway, takeoff was delayed 45 minutes so I ended up being just fine.

Here's my pre-recorded entry from the flight:

I'm sitting in the airport at the moment. Security was insane. I got a full search, wanding and pat down. I felt a little weird but I wasn't going to give them any problems. The guy was pretty cool and gave me the obligatory, awkwardness-suppressing question "Is the weather nice outside?" I got a good laugh out of that. Eventually I'll pull my dad's famous airport baggage check joke on somebody. You walk up to the baggage check counter and say, "I'm flying to Denver but I want one bag to go to Washington DC and the other to Detroit." Of course the attendant will say something along the lines of "I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that." And the punchline comes when you reply, "Why not, you did it the last time I flew!" :) Yes, I know I'm a dazzling wit! Please hold your applause and just throw money! I'm here for your amusement as always!

Time to grow some balls today? Hmmm. Maybe. I just found out that we are both catching connecting flights at Midway at 3:15. She seems rather friendly! I'll elaborate more on this later!

Damn, my flight has been delayed 35 minutes so far. I shouldn't be surprised at this coming from an airline that recently declared bankruptcy! Oh well! Time to power down for now but I have a 75 minute layover at Midway. Plenty of time for an update!

So I'm actually on the plane this time. Interesting. Never had a long enough flight or the technology on hand to be able to use my computer on a flight. My plane from Indy landed late which severely cut into my layover time so I had no time to make an entry from Chicago. I'm currently experiencing the longest sunset I've ever seen! We are flying west apparently at a speed where the sun can't beat the plane over the horizon. The sun has been in the same place for about the last 45 minutes or so. It's really not that big of a deal or anything; it's just a cool phenomenon.

I met an interesting guy while boarding my flight. He's an insurance salesman about my age. He and his wife are on their way to Denver to check out the possibility of moving out there to assume management of the Colorado area for his company. He's about my age and he has 2 kids. It's pretty cool to listen to other people's life stories and how things worked out (or didn't work out) for them. Of course it has never really been much of a secret that I'm a self-proclaimed student of human nature.

I should really get a new battery for my damn laptop. This thing is gonna die soon I think. It says I have 62% battery life remaining but apparently that only equates to about 35 minutes of use. Oh well. I'm due to land in Denver Int'l in about 20-30 minutes anyway.

Oh yeah, and I didn't talk to her. She was on a different flight connecting in the same Chicago airport but apparently she was going to some other city because I didn't see her anywhere in the Midway concourse. Figures....I always screw up and wait too long. I blow my chance about 95% of the time. I REALLY need to work on that! Oh well.

So that's it for in-flight. My sister and I had a long talk on the trip home from the airport. But more on that later.

And I love airport hotties (there were crawling all over all 3 airports), slow sunsets and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

Investment advice

2004-11-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

One year ago, if you bought $1,000.00 in Nortel stock shares, today you would have $49.00. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Enron stock shares, today you would have $16.50. If you had invested $1,000.00 in WorldCom stock, today you would have less than 5 bucks. One year ago, if you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beverage, not the stock), drank all the beer and recycled all the bottles, assuming a 10 cent exchange rate today you would have $214.00. Based on these figures, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle!

~ Thanks to Laura and yet another crazy away message!

Somedays are just full of negativity!

2004-11-04T19:06:00.000-05:00

Today has been one of those days. I'm not bummed out or depressed but everything that has been coming at me today has been negative. Maybe it's the gloomy weather also but I can't really decide.

For the past two days I have somehow managed to land on the 97.1FM afternoon talk show called "Monique & The Man". Sidenote: I can't stand Monique's voice! She sounds like one of Marge's sisters from The Simpsons or like some 60 year old woman who has smoked 3 packs of full strength Menthols everyday for the past 40 years!!! Anywho....
Yesterday they were discussing married couples who hide stashes of cash from their spouses. Today it was whether or not this one listener should get drunk on his wedding night. Both days, the discussions managed to segue into a dozen other popular marital issues. I have always been terrified of marriage for the simple reason that I only want to do it once and I don't want my first attempt to end in failure! But these days, that seems to be the most popular trend! Money issues could easily be solved by each person agreeing to put a large and equal percentage of their monthly income into a joint account and using all that money for JOINT expenses (i.e. groceries, mortgage, anything related to the children, etc...) and putting the remaining smaller percentage into individual accounts with the premise that this money may be spent by the earner in whatever way he/she sees fit, no questions asked. But no one seems to want to work that hard to make a marriage work! I could go all day on this subject with several examples, but instead, perhaps I should reconcile myself to the concept that I may be alone for quite some time. I hope not, but I would rather be single for 10 more years than to jump into a marriage that would likely end in short order. But that's just me.

I spoke with Taco the other day. He told me a very disturbing story about Jason. Jason is a Child of a Disabled Veteran, or CDV. This means he goes to college free of charge (well free tuition anyway). My sister and I are also CDV but that's beside the point. Jason attends IUPUI majoring in what they call New Media. Technically it involves CGI and other computer-enhanced graphics and imaging. Anyway, to make a long story short, he goes to school for free but has been living the last 4 years off of student loans instead of working. Although he still lives at home (most of the time) and doesn't have many bills but he is frivolous with his money and he knows it. According to Taco, he is roughly $35,000 into student loan debt. Unfortunately, he missed the entire last semester of school last year and an absence from full-time enrollment for that amount of time voids the application of CDV payments. In a nutshell, he cannot return to college next semester (he has a little less than a year to go) until he repays his gov't loans! All $35,000. I will investigate this dilemma further because I am a little shocked that Jason didn't tell me this himself. Until then, my heart goes out to him. If I ever hit the lottery, I'll invest in his education. He's a good guy suffering from a ridiculous run of bad luck.

Speaking of Jason, he will be taking me to the airport tomorrow to catch my flight to Denver at 2:15 PM. I'm a little anxious about the flight. I haven't flown since before 9/11. My dad flies all the time and he says that security is just a little more of a pain in the ass but that there shouldn't be any cause for concern on my part. I'm not really worried. But I'm anxious to see all the changes. I like flying anyway!

I have now been informed of the plans for my birthday next week (I will be 23 on Nov. 9th). Jason will be picking me up from the airport when my flight arrives at 1:00 AM Monday night/Tuesday morning. We will head for Taco's house and crash (not in the vehicular sense!), wake up Tuesday and immediately begin drinking. I plan to spend the entire day consuming beer, maintaining a sufficient buzz and playing video games. I miss college! I consider this a reenactment! Interestingly, my sister has volunteered to be our taxi/delivery driver all day should we need her to make food runs or to cart us around for any reason! I shouldn't be surprised at her willingness to jump at the chance to give me a worthy birthday gift that will cost almost nothing! I don't really mind though. I figure that after your 21st, birthdays are just a convenient day where everyone is supposed to be a little nicer to you. No big thing anymore!

A few minor mentions: It isn't fair that women are provided with vibrators and other toys while men are left to surrender to the fact that one forearm will always be slightly larger than the other! Also, I was kind of rude to the painters at my dad's house today. Oops! And my guitar needs new strings badly!

Oh and I love wheelchairs, underoos and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

The first official post

2004-11-03T21:27:00.000-05:00

Well I came to a conclusion today. I have been feeling rather stagnant lately. My motivation is lacking in several aspects, I haven't been feeling my usual daily "drive" and in general I just haven't quite been myself. I've been skipping workouts, oversleeping on purpose and ignoring certain people for no real reason. None of the above is much like me. But I believe I figured out the problem:
Most people use meditation like breathing exercises or Yoga to "ground" themselves. Other people use music. Some people just need the ever popular alone time. For me, I ride my bike. Unfortunately I sold my bike over a month ago (for those who care it was a 2003 Kawasaki Ninja 636). I haven't been riding, thus I haven't really been myself. New to my to-do list is the task of figuring out how to get myself back to normal when deprived of the usual method(s). My guitar has been collecting a lot of dust. Tomorrow I will see if shaking off my musical rust helps me to regain some of "the old me".
On to other things.

Everybody wish Deanndra a happy birthday. I used to call her Dee Dee and I still do when I talk directly to her. But to everyone else she will be referred to as Deanndra. She hates her name and I recently discovered that she gets harassed because of its originality. A sad fact but true nonetheless. But I disagree with the notion that she should be ashamed or embarassed by her name. So regardless of her approval, I will attempt to reinforce the idea that her name is fine. But no longer will she be referred to by less than her formal label.
Deanndra has a hard row to hoe. Her life has been and still is troublesome. I am hard on her like a strict father is hard on his daughter/son. I find myself a bit distressed at my "tough love" approach to her. I resented my mother for years for using the same philosophy on me. Am I now mature enough to realize it's value, or am I simply a hypocrite? Either way, it is rocky most times but I always seem to come through for her. Although I know I will always accompany bitterness in her mind for several reasons. Regardless, I hope her day goes well and hopefully she realizes that there are plenty of good reasons to celebrate her entrance into this world!

Taco finally got cable internet! His mother is filing for bankruptcy but he says that cable internet actually ended up to be cheaper than dialup AOL. What a small world. My mother is considering filing for bankruptcy as well! And she has cable internet too!

I talked to Crystal today. Just checking in before I fly out to see her in Denver on Friday. She's sick and she's grouchy as hell. Then again, she has always treated me with a rather condescending manner. I'm still just a child in her mind and I am very nervous to spend 3 whole days under her "control" as I am afraid she will view it!

A few other minor points to mention. Jennifer has a headache from hell, Dad left for Michigan today, Lori says she is gonna get drunk with me for the first time next week for my birthday and Jason still has my damn laptop!

Oh yeah, and I love peanut butter, busty 6 year olds and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

One of those stupid quiz things....

2004-11-03T19:04:00.000-05:00

1. Your real name: Jonathan
2. friends call you: Jon, Nooch, Johnnycakes
3 What your boyfriend/girlfriend calls you: Don't have one
4 What's a name you once wished you'd rather have?: Wesley
5. What are the ugliest names you can think of?: Gertrude, Martha, Beatrice
6. What would you name these if you had them as pets?
a. turtle: Rabbit
b. goose: Honker
7. If there was a song about you, what would it be called?: Nice guys finish last
8. What would you name your kids?: Morgan, Taylor, Garret, Bradley
9. What would you name a ship you built?: The SS Wangfest
10. If you wrote a book, what would it be called?: The Outlawed Mind
11. Thrown up in public?: Oh yeah, on the street in downtown Indy & in a parking garage
12. Eaten or drank anything spoiled?: If I did, it didn't affect me
13. Had a rip in your pants you didn't know about? not that I recall
14. Tripped while checking someone out?: no
15. Had to pay for something you broke?: no
16. Nearly drowned?: no
17. Passed out?: only due to extreme intoxication
18. Had a crush on somebody: constantly!
19. Been stuck in the rain?: Rain has never stopped me
20. Been attacked by an animal?: Deanndra's satanic dog, a goose and an oppossom
21. Caught people having sex?: not on accident!
22. Fallen asleep while driving?: nope
23. Ever liked someone of the same sex?: not "like that"
24. Actually slipped on a banana peel?: no
25. Made a wish that came true?: yes
Complete The Sentence
26. I once had a dream... that I had a foursome with my boss!
27. I'm only racist towards... racists
28. I don't even know why I'm... so passive about things that upset me
29. I'd give anything to have sex with... an australian woman/older woman
30. Nothing sucks more than having to...deal with drama
31. If I had six bucks i'd buy... As much Taco Bell as possible
32. It's hot. I should take off my... shirt
33. It's always more fun if you are...stoned (but I don't do that anymore!)
34. You can't eat steak without... A1 steak sauce
35. You better shut up before I... tell your mom on you
36. I really like you and everything but... NO!
What would you do if...
40. A dirty old guy at the airport slaps your ass?: I'd shoot him a dirty look and wonder if that really happened or if I was crazy!
41. Somebody was about to steal your car?: I would start yelling at them, put my finger on "911" and tell them to put their hands on the truck and don't move
42. You wake up with a billion spiders crawling all over you and your bed?: A massive panic attack would ensue
43 You farted while giving a persuasive speech in class?: I'd hope to god that no one heard it
44. The person you just kissed tells you they have oral herpes?: I'd scream at them and call a doctor
45. You have three wishes? wish for 3: 1)money 2) love 3) more wishes
46. The government allowed you to choose one thing to be made illegal and one thing to be legalized?: legalize marijuana (yes I'm unoriginal, I know) and make it illegal to be required to work weekends
47. Britney Spears was at your front door asking for jumper cables?: I'd ask her if she even knows how to use them!
48. You had a time machine?: I'd travel to the wild west
49. FOX gave you a half hour show to do whatever you wanted?: I'd make a relaity TV show about motorcycle stunt riding
Would you rather....
50. Would you rather find the cure for cancer or the cure for aids?: Cancer
51. Would you rather have the power to fly, or the power to teleport?: Teleport
52. Would you rather have the power to see the future, or the power to record your dreams?: See the future
53. Would you rather live in the past or the future?: the past
54. Would you rather be lost in a forest, or stuck in a box?: Lost in a forest
55. Would you rather be in a drama movie, or a comedy?: Drama
56. Would you rather be in a hip hop video or a rock video?: Rock
57. Would you rather have your birthday on Christmas Day, or on February 29th?: . February 29th... cuz if it was on Xmas, I would only get presents ONCE a year!
58. Would you rather live in the sewer, or in Afghanistan?: Afghanistan. I'd be a mercenary!
59. Would you rather be in a mental institution or in a penitentiary?: Mental institute. No one tries to sodomize you!
60. Would you rather snow board or hang glide: Snowboard
61. Would you rather be a ninja or a pirate?: Ninja
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you read the following words?
62. Courage: Lion
63. Driver: Indy 500
64. Yoga: Yogi Bear
65. Bakery: The Bread Ladies
66. Roach: Hotel
67. Mushroom: Getting high
68. Sprung: Jail
69. Exotic: Pets
70. Pythagorean: I f*cking HATE math!
Miscellaneous
71. Construct an acronym for these words. (example: G M S = Give Me Some)...
a. S O L R A K S: Somedays Otis Likes Running And Knee Sliding
b. E B A F S: Every Bald Albino Feels Satisfied
c. C H I N A: Cocaine Has an Intensely Narcotic Attitude
d. R G P: Ruin Gary's Party
72. What is your definition of love?: I'll come back to this one later!
73. List 3 words that are clues to identifying a person you are currently interested in: Rec Spec, Scorpio, Kentucky
74. Reveal a secret about you that most people don't know about, but type it in acronym form. I O W D O A M
76. Were you too scared to do it?: no
77. Who or what is your worst enemy?: Time
78. Who is the last person you kicked?: Holy cow, it's been a LONG time!
79. If you had to be a chess piece, which piece would you be?: The Knight
80. Name three people you know whose names begin with the first letter of your last name: Nick, Nate and Nacho
81. What's one romantic thing somebody's done for you?: I'll come back to this one too! There haven't been too many incidents!

I...

2004-11-02T22:18:00.000-05:00

I KNOW: a little about a lot

I WANT: a new motorcycle

I THINK: way too much

I HAVE: many trusting friends

I CAN: figure out almost any problem

I WISH: I had 3 more wishes

I HATE: the fact that only underage girls chase after me

I MISS: college

I FEAR: that I will never be as successful as my father

I HEAR: time stamp machines clicking

I SEARCH: for new perspectives

I WONDER: why things are the way they are

I REGRET: not playing more sports in high school

I LOVE: intimacy

I ACHE: after a hard workout

I CARE: about my health

I ALWAYS: walk around my apartment naked

I AM NOT: closed-minded

I DANCE: when I'm drunk

I SCREAM: when I'm excited

I CRY: when I'm extremely furious

I LIVE: everyday like it's my last

I DO NOT ALWAYS: tell the truth

I WRITE: reports at work

I SMILE: when I see happy couples

I WIN: people's trust

I LOSE: cigarette lighters

I CONFUSE: almost everyone

I CAN NEVER: accept less than a best effort

I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: at work

I NEED: a hug

I AM HAPPY ABOUT: who I have become over the years

I SHOULD: be more charitable

The Deanndra Limmerick

2004-11-02T19:35:00.000-05:00

"She offered her honor
He honored her offer
So all night long
he was on her and off her".

- Provided by Dr. Jeff Beery (Thanks Dee Dee!)

Intro to the Nooch

2004-11-02T19:18:00.000-05:00

And so, here I am! Let's not get too deep with my first post! Most of those who will read this already know me, so we'll skip the introductions! This is definitely the perfect time to begin my journal because November is going to be very fast-paced and interesting for me. And if it's interesting or noteworthy to me, it'll most likely find it's way into my journal. Yes I am calling it a journal! I know it's a blog but that word sounds agitating to me. So I'll be unoriginal for the time being. For now, I'm going to use this first post to introduce key people, things or events to be familiar with in order to decipher future posts that will surely involve them. So here we go:

My job: I hate my job at the moment, but I'm starting a new one on November 15th. More to come on that later.

My family: My family is rather broken and geographically separated! I give more than I get back more often than not but I have my reasons. have 4 sisters and I have been completely detached from my father's side of the family since I was 8 years old or so. My mother and her family live in Kentucky.

My apartment: I live in a large, 1 bedroom apartment that is probably 30 years old. I have rust/brown carpets and plaster walls but I love it! It has character! My neighbor below me doesn't like me! I've only lived there for about 5 weeks so I'm sure things will get interesting!

Lori: My youngest sister. She is 20 years old and very temperamental. We usually get along but when we fight, it's beyond bad! She just ended a 3+ year relationship about 3 weeks ago. More to come later!

Jason: My best friend since high school. He's in college and works part-time. He's a lazy fat kid but he knows he is so it's all good! He's one of the funniest guys I know but generally he has a hard time figuring me out! I'm weird to him in most cases!

Jennifer: My best female friend! She is only 16 but I wouldn't trade her for the world! I don't know whether to say she's in-love with me, but she would (and I quote) "hang up her dating keys and marry me TODAY" if she had the chance! She's the most interesting person I know!

Laura: Laura is another best friend. She is an accounting major at Butler University and we don't see each other much. She is gorgeous but has very bad luck with men. She cries on my shoulder a lot about life and love! She's a huge partier and she's a lot of fun!

Taco: A buddy I know through Jason. He's another lazy fat kid! Very irresponsible and has a massive temper issue! But he's fun for the most part and he's a good guy at heart!

Deanndra: She has been in my life longer than anyone else save for those with my last name! Approximately 8 years. We've both been through a lot of the same challenges in life yet we are very different people. We have an extremely diverse history. We have very in depth discussions and she has done a lot of soul searching in recent months and is now on a quest to find herself, although she loves to correct my use of that phrase when applied to her. I would need a few hours and several posts to explain the full complexity of our relationship but for now let's just leave it defined as "complex".

That covers the big hitters. Anything else will be explained later! I'm sure that numerous revisions will be done on many of my first posts here. Check back often and feel free to leave comments! Especially if you agree/disagree with advice I give! Cheers!