Reflections from the podium of life
Today I finished my new office. Mike is the guy that I replaced as the Operations Manager at my new company. He was there for 9 years and in that 9 years I don't believe he ever cleaned his office ONCE! It was atrocious! Regardless, I spent several hours yesterday and today cleaning, sorting through old papers and equipment, vacuuming, buying new furniture and supplies and putting my new office together from scratch. And today I had a revelation......

This afternoon I stood in the doorway of my office....and I looked at the final product I had achieved after 14+ hours of literal labor and a large chunk of hard-earned money ($228).........where the money is concerned, it was well worth it to me, but more importantly..............

I realized at that moment that I wasn't looking at the finished product of 14 hrs of sweat over 2 days......I was looking at the end result of over 17 months of pain-staking determination, strong will, and perserverance putting up with a boss I loathed, and a job I was overqualified and underpaid for.....and the whole time I always said that the reason I continued to put myself through it was because I was building my resume and qualifications so that someday, later on, I could really make something of myself to be proud of (and let's not mention all the frustration I endured through college for my degree that also played a hand in getting me this job!) And looking back now; take away my new salary, the company cell phone, the company car, the new office......and all you're left with is a 23 year old rookie who struggled his way thru 5 WHOLE YEARS beating out temptation, emotional hardship and broken will to finally reach a goal and accomplish a dream!

Sadly, this brings me to a whole 'nuther point. I got into a fight with Lori again today. She can't seem to understand why my father won't fund her unnecessarily extravagant social life. She is a victim of my parents' incessant spoiling. She has played my mother against my father for as long as I can remember to get her way, which became even easier after their divorce three years ago. Fortunately, my parents have finally decided to join forces and fight my sister's financial dependence on a unified front. UNfortunately, it is my belief that they waited too long and that my sister's outlook on money and financial life may have been painted with an irreversible brush.

Later on in the evening, I had a conversation with Jennifer in which she confessed her lacking will against her parents who (remember that she is still a teenager) become more and more overbearing and suffocating each day. Jen is very talented, gifted and just a generally all-around good person with enough potential for 3 people! But unfortunately, I found myself scared to death that all of her talents will be wasted as she slowly succumbs to the inevitable difficulties that her parents will cause. By the time she realizes that they weren't really the evil, unloving fiends that she now mistakes them for, it will be too late!

And again, this only led me to thoughts of other friends who have battled life's "phantom" challenges and lost, sometimes repeatedly. Jason and his financial battles.......Deanndra and her numerous struggles with friends, the military, her family and even herself.........Laura and her struggles with relationships........

And after all that, the bottomline is, I know how good it feels to beat the odds......it was hard (REALLY HARD!!!) most of the time when I went through broken relationships, bad spending habits, shitty jobs, horrible friends, slave-driving parents and a world that just seemed to want me gone.......but I made it and looking back now, it doesn't seem anymore that the road was that long or that hard. But so far I've been left with nothing but the fear that I'll always be the only one standing on the podium for a long time and I don't want that! I want the people that I love to be up here with me. But my outlawed mind just doesn't take well with others and most people just don't/can't/won't listen to or understand me!

I think that's enough drama for today. I hope that maybe this little rant achieves some bit of inspiration somewhere, somehow. But hope is the only thing I have to hold onto sometimes, and I haven't let go yet!

And tonight I love my broken family, my so-called "lost" friends and my outlawed mind!

CHEERS!

- posted by The Outlaw @ 8:12:00 PM