Chain Letters, Shmane Letters!
I want to thank all of those lovely people who have taken the time and trouble to send me their chain letters over the past year. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern... I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. (Sorry guys!)

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you all, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Clearly mine is a life truly blessed thanks to the advent of electronic mail!

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 2:08:00 PM |

 
My Father, the Original Groovemaster!
Today is my father's 56th birthday. I dunno if that's a big number or not though. He's got a lot of numbers attached to him. 15 = the number of years he spent in the U.S. Army. 17 = the number of years he's been nicotine-free. 4 = the number of heart attacks he has survived. 2 = the number of times he's been married (and divorced). He's had a colorful life, that's for sure. Plenty of ups and downs, positives and negatives, regrets and memories. I'll be doing real well if I'm ever even half the man he is someday.

Anywho, so we (meaning my sisters and I) planned to take the man to Carraba's last Saturday night to celebrate. (Sidenote: The food was great but the Sangria was less than impressive!)

I just noticed that I use parantheses ALOT when I blog! Hmmm...

Let's clear two things up real quick:
1. One of my sisters lives in Denver and we flew her out for the weekend unbeknownst to my unsuspecting father.
2. My old man NEVER gives big reactions when he's surprised. Similarly, I don't think he can even be startled, come to think of it.

So sister number 1 arrives, sister number 2 picks her up at the airport, both sisters meet brother at predetermined location, and oblivious father walks in and "SURPRISE!!!!"

And his reaction is a rather non-chalant "heeeyyyy!!!" (obligatory grin included). But no one is disappointed because, that's pretty much the best reaction you could hope for. However, at dinner later, I make a point of his lack of enthusiasm. SO right there in the middle of the restaurant, he gets up and goes "did you expect to see something like THIS?"

Please refer to the visual aid below to complete the mental image! (keep in mind, he is even more lacking in rhythm and refinement than he is in enthusiasm!)

Click Here (Not dial-up friendly...about 8.5MB)

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 11:43:00 AM |

 
Diamonds Are a Guy's Best Friend






The fact that I find these amusing probably doesn't say much for my character!

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 2:37:00 PM |

 
I Need a Meme...
I am such a disappointment. Nine f*cking days without blogging! Creative inspiration has been lost on me. I've tried to find a meme or two to toss around until I get back on my own two feet, but no such luck!

Anywho, so if you read Deanndra's blog, you'll note that I had a brush with death recently.



Without going into massive detail, I choked on food for the first time in 23 years!

...on a Lemonhead, no less!



I'm driving down I-74 to Cincinnati, minding my own business. One would think that to look at the innocent little face on the package, how could it ever be harmful!?!?

Until you accidentally suck one down your windpipe, effectively restricting all inward and outward airflow to your lungs creating massive internal panic which causes you to immediately dart across two lanes of interstate traffic, slam on the brakes on the shoulder and miraculously dislodge the culprit candy while giving yourself the heimlich...(actually I was trying to put my head between my legs and kiss my ass goodbye but apparently it's one of those "6 of one, half-dozen of the other" situations!)

Anyway, sour candy in your throat doesn't feel too good, but it's a great excuse to stop for ice cream!

In other news, Venessa thinks that my story about toasted marshmallows is blogworthy. Once upon a time, I was about 8 years old and I ate about 2 bags of full-size marshmallows (toasted over a campfire, of course) all in one sitting. Then I ended up getting sick and (to borrow a term from Deanndra) managed to extinguish the fire with my projectile vomit!

I don't eat toasted marshmallows anymore.

It's odd how a bad experience with food can ruin it for you forever. Like tomatoes or toasted marshmallows in my case.

...and Lemonheads!

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 11:38:00 AM |

 
I am Google...hear me roar!

Which Website are You?

Stole this from

I am such a blog thief! Watch out, I may be stalking YOU next! (Although some of you wouldn't complain too much if that were the case!)

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 12:23:00 PM |

 
20,000 comedians out of work, and here comes the Outlaw...
Again, how can you people not find Annette funny?

A convo from earlier this week...

Outlaw: Um...does canned asparagus make canned tomato puree explode if you put the two together? Like do they not play nice or something?
Annie: How the hell should I know? I can't do regular math in this state, let alone vegetable math!
Outlaw: I don't think it's a matter of math.
Annie: Tomato crap + asparagus crap = explosino?
Annie: See? Math!
Annie: Explosino? LMAO...I can speak Spanish when I'm drunk!
Outlaw: I think it's something more like the conceptualization of putting an elizabethan collar on a dog to keep him/her from licking his/her stitches!
Annie: Well I'm not that flexible... nor do I get your analogy there.
Outlaw: It is possible that I make less sense when I'm sober than you do when you're drunk!
Annie: That sentence required some brain power for me to interpret.
Annie: Oooohhhh, and last night I was drinking (again) and using words like "copious"!
Annie: LOL
Annie: Clearly, drinking makes me smart!
Outlaw: In point of fact, I'm rather impressed that you have even made it this long without a typo!
Annie: Lol!
Outlaw: You little dipsomaniac!
Outlaw: ...there's another word to add to your drunken smart list! It means "alcoholic".
Annie: Nice!
Annie: Well goodnight then, dipsomaniac!
Outlaw: ...although "lush" works too (if you wanna be uninteresting about it)!

If you notice, this conversation was initially sparked by a post on Dan's blog.

I'm so easily amused, it's pathetic!

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 4:03:00 PM |

 
Another Redesign
This one took awhile!

I've changed my blog links section in my sidebar. Everyone now has there very own button, courtesy of this site which I stole from this guy!

If you have any complaints about your button's color, then go make your own and if you want to go through the hassle of emailing it to me, I might get around to changing it. I tried to match the color of the button with the color of the blog it links to.

In other news, it has been brought to my attention that I have apparently been officially tagged as a gay man now on another blog.



It was bound to happen sooner or later! What's that saying about when you lay with the wolves or something? Hehe!

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 10:59:00 AM |

 
The Viagra Experience, Part I
Well, I don't intend to elaborate, but let's just say that I happened to acquire some sample packs of Viagra and Cialis recently. I am not afflicted with erectile dysfunction. But I wonder (as apparently many non-afflicted men do) what would happen if I take this medication without actually NEEDING it?

I did a little research and came across this little gem illustrated by a man named John Hargrave. (Be sure to at least read page 5 if nothing else!)

Simply masterful!

I think I'm going to try my own experiment with this little wonder drug!

Some background info on me:
- I am a quite healthy 23 year old.
- I have a very healthy sex drive
- I have no issues achieving an erection (this includes post-refractory erections)
- I have NOT been diagnosed with any erectile disorders, nor have I been prescribed this drug.

It seems to me that most of the limited accounts I have heard about experiments of this nature turn up various results. I've heard that it just makes you really warm. I've heard that it makes you all but priapismic. I've heard that it intensifies orgasms. And, of course, the results from Mr. Hargrave's "prank".

So, in the name of science, I go forth to become my own lab rat!

To be continued...

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 3:49:00 PM |

 
Moment of Silence...
I've been somewhat distraught lately. My favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg, passed away last week. I never got to see any of his shows. And this of course will mean that no further CDs will be released!

MTV News

Mitch Hedberg's Official Site

I'm not very motivated to post much today, but I'll get off my a$$ soon!

CHEERS!
- posted by The Outlaw @ 9:52:00 AM |